


Hidden Depths

by whittler_of_words



Series: this was supposed to be a happy merfic i don't understand someone help me [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Established Relationship, Language Barrier, M/M, Merstuck, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Partial Language Barrier, Serious Injuries, because i just HAD to do a merstuck au, it's really at random idk, right - Freeform, the term boyfronds suddenly becomes even more relevant than before, various characters are mermaids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whittler_of_words/pseuds/whittler_of_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Karkat may not have much else, but at least they have each other.  With territory good enough to live comfortably, clean waters and plenty of food, life is pretty good.</p>
<p>Until, that is, John gets hurt defending said territory, and maybe Karkat isn't all he says he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeah
> 
> i just HAD to do a merstuck au
> 
> shoot me

After Dad dies, Karkat is all you have left.

All your life, you've always been a bit of a loner. You never really felt like you fit in with the other pods, and Dad was always more than happy to move on when you felt uncomfortable. But when he died, he left you alone, so very, very alone, and you almost gave up.

Now, though. Oh man. You wouldn't trade this for anything! You have your own territory, a prime spot off of the coast of some island, and you have Karkat. 

And boy do you love Karkat.

_Soooooooo_ much! Oh. Hehe.

You know he loves you back, too, and it's the best feeling in the world. You can feel it, in the way that your kind feels things, and even if sometimes he doesn't act like it you know he cares about you a lot.

You can feel it when you go to lie down on the bed of sea-weed you share. You can feel it every time he looks at you, an exact replica of your own rush of warmth when you look at him.

Sometimes, you ask him about his past, about what he did before he met you, but every time he goes quiet, and you can almost taste the fight he's having with himself, and you lay a hand on his arm – careful, avoid the spines, you don't want to get cut _again_ – and tell him, it's okay. He doesn't have to tell you.

You'll wait.

You have to admit to yourself, though. Life is pretty good.

///

You're both hunting for dinner, the setting sun slowly robbing you of light. It doesn't matter, though; you can see pretty well in the dark.

Karkat feels them first.

HEY, he says, grabbing your attention. DO YOU FEEL THAT? You tilt your head, and your eyes unfocus as you try to sense what he does. There; two unfamiliar minds, closing in on your territory fast. You grin at him.

Let's go teach them who's boss in these waters.

Karkat smiles back, mirroring your own expression, and his sharp teeth reflect what little light there is left back into your eyes.

TIME TO FUCK SOME BITCHES UP.

 

They're waiting for you, just inside your territory, and the small fins on your neck by your gills ruffle at the obvious challenge. There are two of them: a male and a female, and they regard you with cold eyes as Karkat speaks.

YOU'RE INTRUDING ON OUR TERRITORY. THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE BEFORE WE SEND YOU BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM, COWERING WITH SHAME.

The male growls and darts forward toward Karkat. The female leaps for you at the same time, and she forces you back. You smile at the sound of pain from her partner – Karkat's arm spines always catch them by surprise. The female hesitates, and this time you're the one drawing her away; you don't want her going back to her friend's aid. You dance around her, the blue of your scales shimmering under the water, and when you're finally far enough away from the other fight you decide it's time to engage.

Wow, she's a better fighter than you thought.

She's younger than you, a bit less experienced, but she's quick and merciless. You can sense it; her desperation, her need to win, and you know that she won't hold back or stop until the end. She has nothing to lose.

And that makes her dangerous.

You're a pretty even match, when all is said and done. Blood flows into salt water from the various wounds both of you sport, and you know that you need to end this, soon, before the predators smell a meal. From the way the female starts fighting even harder, you know she's thinking the same thing.

Finally, finally, you manage to back her up against a bed of coral, and you go to town. Punching, scratching, biting where you can, using your tail to beat against her stomach and keep her pinned, and you give her a nice set of claw marks down her arm and face that she'll be bearing as scars for the rest of her life.

You know then that you've won, and she knows it too, her every non-motion ringing of defeat. You're about to tell her to leave and never come back, the whole speech yada yada, when you sense it – a final, grim feeling of determination and satisfaction.

You don't dodge in time.

Before you realize what's happened, a jagged piece of coral is speared deep into your side, and your blood flows out in red clouds toward the surface. You look from the wound to the female, the wound to her, and you feel so much anger at her smug little smile that you can't help but punch her in the face, hard, and she sinks like a stone.

You pull the offending piece of coral out, hissing at the pain, and try to swim back to your sleeping place with Karkat, but you get turned around somewhere. You're exhausted, you realize, you're losing blood, and it's probably not a good thing that the pain in your side is growing less and less with every passing second. You don't know where you're going, unable to focus, but you keep moving forward.

You're lying on a beach. You try to remember how you got from swimming to here, but it's like someone cut it out and all you're left with is a gaping hole in your memory. You try to drag yourself back into the water, because where there's a beach there's humans, but your trembling arms give out halfway through.

You're so _tired_.

You hear the sound of laughter, voices drawing closer, and you try again, desperate with fear, but it's no use. You've lost too much blood. Your vision swims and you suddenly feel light-headed, and you try one more heave toward the water before you collapse. For good this time, you know.

You look at the cool water lapping at your arms with half-lidded eyes. You were so close.

Karkat's going to be so sad.

You hear a shout of surprise above you, followed by some strange sounds that you don't understand, before your vision gives out completely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at this itty bitty chapter

Fuck. You messed up. You messed up. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._

You swim back and forth in a circle, your arms clenched at your side, and try to calm down. You sent the intruding male crying for his mommy, and Egbert is probably already on his way back, and he's going to make fun of you for being so worried about him, and you're going to go catch dinner and go to sleep and everything will be fine.

Fuck it. Fuck. What if he's not fine?

Frustrated, your stomach twisted with worry, you give up any pretense of composure and swim as fast as you can in the direction where John and the female swam off. You almost pass it because you're racing by so fast, and when you realize what it is you're tasting in the back of your throat your heart sinks with dread.

Blood. The water here is lousy with it, tinted a slight dull brown. Bile rises in your throat, but you push it back down. That's not going to help anything.

Neither John or the female are anywhere to be found, and it's like your relief and your worry skyrocket at the same time. If he's really – don't think that word – then the female would have just left him here. But then, where is he?

You search everywhere. Back home, his favorite spots to hang out, and all the spaces in between. You have to fight off a couple predators who smelled the blood, but otherwise there's nothing.

John Egbert is missing. 

It's all your fault.

You don't know exactly how, but you're pretty sure that the catalyst to this events could be traced back to you. 

You keep looking.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now we're finally getting to the good parts :D

You wake up once. 

You're out of the water, lying on something cold and hard and foreign, and when you feel a strange sensation on your side you try to jerk away. You hear a yelp of surprise from the same side, and then you're face to face with a human.

It's a female; her eyes are the brightest green you've ever seen, her expression is twisted into something that you can't read, and that scares the fuck out of you. It's like being blind, you can't tell what she's feeling at all, and it's _wrong_. This is _wrong_ , you shouldn't be here, with a human of all things, you should be with Karkat. You thrash, trying to get away, and the female shouts something.

Suddenly, there's a different human on your other side, and they grab your arms and pin them to your sides. You try to shove him off, but he's strong and you're tired and hungry and probably in shock and you need _Karkat_. You scream at them to let you go, but it's like they don't hear you, or they're ignoring you.

Something is pulled over your nose and mouth, held in place by the female with the green eyes, and it tastes strange. A few seconds later the tiredness in your limbs grows to metal weights, tying you down and anchoring you firmly back into unconsciousness.

///

You're back under the water. That's the first thing you notice when you wake up next.

But it tastes too clean, and it's too still, and your head hurts and you're not hungry any more because when you open your eyes you feel like you're going to be sick.

You can tell by the texture of the clear walls under the pads of your fingers that this is glass. You've only ever felt smaller bits of it on the ocean floor, but it's too identical for you to mistake it for anything else. The floor you're sitting on is sand, but it's too soft with not enough rocks and it feels so fake, you want to scream.

You do, but either they don't hear you or they don't care.

The human only comes in when you start pounding on the glass, and you recognize him as the male who held you down on the weird surface, strange black circles over his face. You back up as far as you can go, tail flicking as you bare your teeth warningly. It makes weird sounds at you like the other one did, and you can't understand what it's trying to say. You can read it just barely, almost not at all, but you think you can hear something soothing in it's tone. It's progress, you think. You're learning.

And you hate that you have to learn.

It leaves after that, and you're left alone to your thoughts. 

You check your wound, and find that it's closed up. Not healed though; just closed. Which is sort of weird. How did they do that?

You can't stop thinking about Karkat. About how angry and sad and worried he probably is. You want to go back home, but you know the chances of that happening are so slim that they might as well not exist. 

You decide to go back to sleep, because it's easier.

///

The third time, you see three humans staring through the glass. There's the female with the green eyes, the male with the black circles, and another female you don't recognize, this time with lavender eyes. They stare at you. You stare at them. You suddenly feel very claustrophobic; you need air. Real air.

You swim up, trying to break the surface, but another wall that you can't see through at all is on the top, effectively blocking you from getting the air that you're _really starting to need_. You look down at them. They look up at you. Green eyes makes a noise, short and firm, and climbs up something by the glass that you didn't notice before. Black Circles makes another noise, and she snaps back at him, and... was that a sigh? So those noises are definitely how they communicate. Weird. Black Circles moves forward, and you expect him to tug Green Eyes back down, but instead he climbs up beside her, helping her maneuver off the black top/lid thing. Lavender Eyes hasn't stopped looking at you.

The second you hear the _pop_ of the lid coming off, your head brakes the water. You breathe in long and deep, closing your eyes, but you stay firmly in the center and away from the edges, where they can't get to you unless they get in the water and place themselves in your mercy. When you open your eyes, Green Eyes makes some more sounds, and you think that they're concerned. Black Circles says something else that sounds like a question, and when you look back at him blankly, him and Green Eyes exchange Looks.

Green Eyes places a hand on her chest, and makes a noise. She does it again, looking at you. She does that a couple more times, and then it finally catches on what she's trying to say. Your eyes widen. Is she doing what you think she's doing...?

“...Jade,” you say slowly, using your mouth, and her grin is so wide you think you finally understand how Karkat feels when he complains about you being too chipper. Thinking about Karkat makes you sad, though, so you push those thoughts away and try again. “Jade. Jade. Jade?” She makes an excited noise, nodding her head up and down, and you nod, too. “Jade.” She looks at Black Circles pointedly, and he sighs again. It sounds fond this time, though. You catch on a bit quicker with him.

“Dave.” He nods, makes some more noises too fast for you to keep up with them, but you think you catch Jade's name in there a few times. Jade smacks him on the arm. “Dave,” you repeat. “Jade. Dave Jade.” You look over to Lavender Eyes. She complies, not needing you to vocalize, thankfully.

“Rose. Dave. Jade. Jade Rose Dave.” Jade smiles again, and you smile hesitantly back. She points to herself again, this time adding a sound before her name. She points to you, making the same sound without her name added on, but it comes out as a question. You think you know what it means.

“Name?” She nods. “Name. Rose Jade Dave.” You think for a moment. You've never had to exactly vocalize this before; you usually just feel it like normal a normal person, but you try anyway. It comes out a bit better than expected. “John.” Dave makes some more sounds, using your name this time, and even though you don't know what it means exactly, you can tell that it's at least a little patronizing. Narrowing your eyes, you flip him off, and everyone is so shocked that at first there's only silence before they're all laughing. You're smiling, too. The gesture was so familiar, you know it's exactly what Karkat would have done. Your smile falls. “Karkat...” 

Suddenly, you're angry with yourself. How could you be having a good time when Karkat is probably out there looking for you right now, feeling horrible! You couldn't even imagine how you'd be feeling if your positions got changed. You growl at yourself, but it's a lot louder out of water that you'd thought it'd be. The others stop laughing, and Jade radiates concern so quickly that you immediately feel guilty.

“...John?” She asks. 

“Jade.” Your voice is taught, and you try to come up with a sentence they can understand and says what you need it to. “Jade, Rose, Dave. John, Karkat.” She looks confused, and you say it again, but this time with both of your voices.

I need Karkat.

She doesn't understand, though. You slowly sink back down to the floor, your second eyelid closing so you can keep seeing clearly. You sit in the corner, watching the humans, but you don't respond when Jade tries to talk to you. She says your name a lot. You don't do anything. She won't understand.

They try to get you to eat, even going so far as to put live fish in with you, but you're not hungry. 

You're _not_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter? aw yiss

Night passes into day into night into day. You don't sleep. You can't eat. It's just you and your search, and nothing else can get in your way. It's a full week before you finally get an idea.

You and John live really close to humans, especially for your kind. IF something happened to John, they might know. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to just listen in, right...?

You decide to try during the day, because that's when the humans are the most active. You stay just under the water, trying to find a place where a lot of humans are, a place you can eavesdrop without being seen. 

There's a pier not far from you, you note. A lot of humans are gathered there with tables, and it looks like they're eating. And they are _definitely_ talking. About as good a place as any.

Hopefully you remember enough English to actually understand what they're saying. You've never understood why they don't just talk like you do. It's much more convenient. But humans are just stupid, you guess. 

The first table you stop near is that of a small family. You only understand about half of what they're saying, and the parts you do are completely useless. You move under the next one, a group of young females. They say some useless crap about the males they want to mate with, and they give you a false alarm when they say something about some “unbelievable news”. 

Whatever “starbucks” is, you instantly hate it for making the girls so excited for there being one in town.

You search using the cracks between the wood for the next table to listen in on. One directly at the edge catches your eye; it has three humans, all older than the other girls, so maybe they'll actually talk about something you can use instead of petty gossip. You swim directly under them, making sure to keep as quiet as possible. One of the females is talking as you close in.

“...just don't get it! What am I supposed to do?”

“Relax, Jade,” says the male. “We'll figure something out. He has to stop sulking some time.”

“Well...” The other female joins in. “There's a chance he might not. He's ----------- all the classic signs of -----------. He won't eat, he refuses to move. If he does not get better soon, there's a chance...”

“No.” Jade says. “Rose, you can't really believe that! John wouldn't – wait, did you hear that?”

You clap a hand over your mouth, muffling the strangled noise that forced it's way out of your throat. You sink beneath the water, trying to regain control.

John. They're talking about your John.

It doesn't matter that they might be talking about a different John entirely. It only crosses your mind once before you make a decision.

You have to take this chance.

You're suddenly very glad they decided to sit right next to the water. It's currently high tide, so the pier where they sit is only about a foot and a half above the water at the moment. Being careful that no one else can see you, you back out a few inches into open water.

You get a good look at the three humans. The one called Jade has long, black hair, round glasses framing green eyes. The male has blond hair, with ridiculously large black glasses. The other female, Rose, is blonde as well, and being the only one without glasses, her lavender eyes stand out. None of them notice you quite yet, still talking.

“He just seems so sad,” Jade says. “He won't even try to learn any more words so we can talk. How are we supposed to tell him what's going on?” Fuck. It sounds like John's given up. You can't stand to listen to this any more. You keep most of your head under water, only the top of your hair and your eyes visible, trying to keep away unwanted attention. 

You flick a finger under the water, a few droplets flying up to land their mark on her cheek. She brushes them away absently, tucking a strand of hair behind one ear. You narrow your eyes. So that's how it's going to be, huh? You bend your elbow so your hand is pointed behind you, and you bring it forward quickly so that a veritable shower rains down on her, like you'd done with John when you guys got bored and wanted to prank on the humans. She yelps, and you grin under the water. God damn that is never going to stop being funny no matter how many times you do it.

She turns to find the source of the water, just like you expected her to, and when her eyes finally light on you you have to fight the urge to flee. Her eyes widen in disbelief, and she opens and closes her mouth a couple times like a dying fish, until she finally decides to settle on saying a simple, “Oh.”

“Jade?” The male says, but she doesn't take her eyes off of you, as if the second she does you'll disappear.

“Um, guys?” She says, her voice slightly shaky. “You might, wanna...” The male leans forward, looking over the table, and Rose does the same. A few long moments pass, all of you staring at each other as the chatter of the other humans carry on around you.

“Oh,” Rose says, much like Jade did. “I doubt it's likely,” she says, her voice perfectly calm. “What with the way you seem to be holding your breath ------------, but I like to cover all my -----. You aren't just a swimmer passing by?” You shake your head slowly side to side. You don't trust your voice right now. “And you can understand us?” A slow nod. “I see. And you are a friend of John's.” Nod. She stops to think for a moment. “There is a small pier much like this one on the other side of the island. We would be able to talk more there, if you'd like.” Nod. She smiles, like you passed some test you weren't aware you were taking. “Good. I'm Rose. This is Dave,” she says, motioning to the male, “And Jade.” You nod again. No need to let her know you already knew that. “We were just about to leave. We'll meet you there.” You nod and sink under the water, but come back up under the table again, just in time to catch Dave talking.

“.. -ust him? I mean, he didn't even say anything, just stared at us and nodded. Fucking creepy.” 

Okay, you can't resist it. You bring up your tail directly under his chair, forcing water up through the cracks, and he curses loudly as he's absolutely drenched. You can't help the bark of laughter that comes from your chest. “You little shit!” You hear Dave shout before you dive back under water. You can just imagine how everybody's going to be staring at him.

You're still smiling when you get to the pier Rose mentioned before them. It looks like John's penchant for pranks has finally rubbed off on you.

You risk climbing onto the pier and out of the water, the tips of your tail just barley submerged in the water and the sun glittering off of your red scales; it looks like private territory, so no humans should stumble in on you. By the time the humans get arrive, your hair and chest are mostly dry and you've managed to work yourself down from your good mood to back to being a nervous wreck. How bad is it, really? Is he really not eating? She said he wasn't moving, either. God, he's such an idiot, why the fuck isn't he taking care of himself? But then, you're not exactly doing a great job of that, either. 

You hear them before you see them, the roar of a... a car, you think it's called. It stops not too far from where you are, and you hear the sound of a door slamming. A minute later, Jade is the first to come running out from the brush, and how you're not surprised you don't know. She stops, panting, a few feet away from you, and you see Rose and then Dave follow not too far behind. There are wet spots on his shirt and jeans, and you smirk at him. You're distracted by Jade when she speaks up.

“I still can't get over the fact that you guys have _tails_!” she exclaims, her hair a wild mess around her. She stretches out a hand hesitantly. “Would you mind if I...?” You shrug, and she steps a few feet closer, squatting beside you. She brings her hand down on the scales, feeling the texture of them on her finger tips. She moves her hand up where skin meets scale, and you shiver involuntarily. That shit feels fucking weird.

“Five seconds with the merman and you're already getting your ---- on. For shame, Harley.” The voice belongs to Dave, and when you turn you see him and Rose standing side by side. You roll your eyes and flip him a middle finger, and Rose's lips quirk into a smile.

“I'm afraid you wouldn't be the first of your kind to use that gesture this week,” she says. 

“John?”

“It speaks,” Dave mutters. You ignore it. Rose nods, smiling.

“For the sake of social ---------, would you be ------ to telling us your name?” Geeze, what is it with this girl and using words you don't know?

“Karkat,” you say, and Rose's eyebrows go up.

“Karkat?” she says. “I believe John was asking for you at first, just before he stopped responding to us.” Your brows furrow.

“How is he?”

“He's near catatonic,” she says, her voice growing slightly more somber. You're glad; that means she cares. “He refuses to eat, move, or speak, for any reason. He was severely injured when we found him. Jade managed to sew the wound up,” she adds when she notices you tense. “There's no sign of infection and he appears to be perfectly healthy. The only issues he seem to be having must be mental in nature.” 

“He doesn't look too good,” Jade says quietly. There's a few moments of silence as you try to sort the words you want to say, but Rose interrupts your thoughts before you can.

“Do you trust us?” You raise an eyebrow. “Yes, that was quite a stupid question, wasn't it? What I mean is, do you trust us to keep you and John from harm?”

You consider it for a moment. As far as you can tell, they're genuinely worried about John. They want to help him. If they wanted to expose him or experiment on him, they would have already, and if they'd wanted to lure you out then they wouldn't have tried to do it by hoping that you'd just _happen_ to _maybe_ overhear a random conversation.

“Yes.”

“Excellent,” she says. “John isn't too far from here, but I'm afraid we need to carry you ourselves.” You shrug, your thoughts already on John. Fuck, it's been too long since you've seen him.

After a bit of argument, they decided that the best course of action was for Jade to carry you bridal style. You didn't understand what they meant by that at first, but they were quick to explain it to you. You were confused as to why they let Jade do it instead of Dave – not that you were complaining – but it turns out she's deceptively strong. Like, really fucking strong. She carries you as if you weigh nothing, and Rose asks you questions as she walks beside Jade.

“So, Karkat.”

“Hmm.”

“I'm surprised at how fluent you are at the English language. John didn't seem to know it at all, unless I misinterpreted something.”

“No,” you say. “He didn't need learn. He didn't need to learn,” you correct yourself.

“And you did?” She asks quietly. You don't respond. She doesn't press.

You come to a building, and for a moment you're confused. It doesn't look too large; if John is really in here, then he should be well within your range by now. A panicked thought seizes you, but you stuff it down before it can solidify. When Jade stops in one of the rooms, you don't understand what you're seeing at first.

They have him in a tank like a _fucking goldfish_ , you think, and you are so, _so_ angry. It's like he's on display, a pet for everyone to see, and for a moment all you want to do is to tear them apart. Then reason steps in – really, what else were they going to do? It's large enough for him to swim in it comfortably, he can see what's going on outside, and in the end it's a lot better than some of the other things they could have done.

Then you are struck with complete and utter _fear_ , because you can't feel John _at all_.

You can see him, huddled in a corner, and you know he's alive because you can see his gills working on his neck, but it's like he's not there any more. No emotion comes from him. It's like he's-

he's-

dead.

JOHN.

No response.

“I- I need, I need-” You can't finish the sentence, unable to choke out the words you need, but Jade understands anyway, climbing a small ladder at the side of the tank and lowering you in. The water surrounds you in moments, and in an instant you are at John's side.

JOHN YOU NOOKSNIFFING BULGEMUNCHING FUCK, YOU ANSWER ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Nothing.

It's like he's cut himself off, like he's forced himself to feel nothing.

Maybe, you think. Maybe, if you can get him to feel some strong emotion of some sort, it can snap him out of it. It's the only thing you can think to do. 

One heaping plate of emotions, coming up.

///

“Wha- okay, I was not expecting that. Was anyone else expecting that?”

“Oh, my.”

“And they're still going at it.”

“Well, at least we know now that he wasn't lying when he said they were friends, although it seems he left out some things.”

“Oh my gosh. They are so _cute together_!!!”

///

You bring John's head up by his chin, trying to ignore how empty his eyes look, and you kiss him.

You've done it before, obviously. But this time you pour in every emotion; anger at him for being such a dumbass, anger at yourself for letting him get hurt, fear that he's not going to get better and that he's going to die, happiness to at least get to see him again, you missed him so fucking much, you love him so fucking much he doesn't even _understand_ , you are just filled with so much love for this idiot that sometimes you can barely hold yourself together.

At first he doesn't respond, his lips limp against yours, but after a few seconds he kisses back, and back, and back, and you think that your plan worked. When you pull away, he's only the barest of presences in your mind, and his eyes are still distant as fuck.

You punch him in the face.

You ignore the reaction of the humans, keeping your eyes fixed on John, and he blinks a few times before turning to you. His incredulity and confusion and happiness bloom in your mind and you've never felt anything so wonderful, and when he speaks you could cry.

Kar...kat?

NO, IT'S SANTA FINS. OF COURSE IT'S ME YOU FUCKING MORON.

He smiles, and it's way too wobbly around the edges but it's there and that's all that matters. You sense his breakdown just before he has it, and you clutch him in a tight hug, and he shudders into you. Fuck. Fuck you missed this. You missed touching him, having him there. You know he feels exactly the same way, too, and somehow that just makes it even worse. You're not sure how long you hold him for, just that it's solid and that's all you need. When he feels better, you pull away just enough to put your hand on his cheek, and you muster up the most stern look you can.

THEY DIDN'T HURT YOU, DID THEY?

They've actually been pretty nice, it was really just me, haha...

You growl at him, and he winces.

I AM GOING TO GET YOU FOOD, AND YOU ARE GOING TO EAT IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, FUCKMUNCH?

He frowns.

Only if you eat something too! You don't look so hot, dude.

You don't argue, but when you try to pull away to swim back up he refuses to let you go. You can't even try to pretend to be annoyed. Pulling him up with you isn't as hard as it should be – he's way too light, even though you're supporting most of his weight. You send a mental glare at him, and he sends you a sheepish smile back.

When you break the surface, you swing your arm on the edge of the tank to hold you up, and John does the same. You watch him for a moment to make sure he can hold himself up, and when he notices he sticks his tongue out at you. You roll your eyes and turn to look at the humans.

Jade is smiling, bouncing on her feet, while Dave looks as stoic as ever, and Rose is smiling softly.

“Fish,” you say, and when you sense John's confusion you translate for him, but his unspoken question is still there.

YES, I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE I NEED TO FUCKING CONCENTRATE.

“Would you rather it be alive, or is there no preference?” Rose asks, and you translate for John's sake.

“Whatever. As long as fr- it's fresh.”

“Dave?” Rose says, looking toward the male. You almost expect him to argue, but he goes through a door on the other side of the room. Rose looks back to you, obviously wanting to ask a question, but before she can Jade interrupts.

“How long have you guys been together?!” Holy fuck did she really just ask that.

John laughs at your bafflement and embarrassment, snickering behind a hand.

Go on karkat, tell her! And he waggles his fucking eyebrows.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Hey, they can't understand us, right? John says, and he has that mischievous look on his face that only means trouble. So we can say anything we want right in front of them and they'd have no clue. Like for example, that one night with the really rough sex where y-

You smack him on the back of his head before he can go any further, and his snickering increases, but thankfully he stops. Fucking hell this kid will be the death of you one day. You focus on answering Jade's question instead.

“Two. Two...” Shit what is that word.

“Months?” 

“No, longer.”

“Years?” she asks, looking even happier. She does this weird squeal thing when you nod, and you roll your eyes. Rose clears her throat, and your eyes go back to her.

“How does your kind communicate primarily, if not with spoken word?” Aagh fuck you know this word. It's just out of your reach, though, so you go for the long way around.

“Happy, sad, angry, scared. Think it.”

“Oh?” she says, her eyebrows raised. “Emotions?”

“Yes.”

“So you think these things to each other. Is it just limited to emotions, or can you --------- physical sensations as well?”

“Not as good,” you say, when you get what she's asking. “But yes. Pictures, also. Tired, hungry, pain, yes.”

“Wow,” Jade says, her voice filled with wonder. “The sex must be amazing!” You splutter, and of course Dave chooses that moment to walk back in the room, a blue box in his hands.

“Did I miss something, or...”

“Karkat here was just describing how his kind communicates through various forms of empathy,” Rose says, her voice amused as you grumble. “Jade is being Jade.”

“Cool,” Dave says, and he goes up a few steps before dumping the contents of the blue box into the tank. A number of fish swim out, and you recognize them as one of the types that live not too far outside your territory. Satisfied, you grab John's ear and drag him back under the water with you, ignoring his yelp. You snatch one of the fish with a quick hand, shoving it in his face as he pouts at you.

EAT.

Not until you get one too.

FINE. You hand him his fish, and you wait until another of the fish gets close enough to smack it with your tail, stunning it long enough for you to grab it. SATISFIED? He nods, and you both begin to eat. 

By the time you're both done, not a single fish is left in the tank. You notice that the humans have gone off somewhere, and you realize that you're alone.

COME HERE, you say, holding out your hands. John scoots forward, and you pull him so that he's sitting on your tail, and you wrap your arms around his stomach and rest your head on his shoulder. You wince internally at some of the scratches on his back, but it's impossible to tell whether they're from the fight or if he got them afterward.

Wow, you're pretty cuddly today, John teases.

SHUT UP, I MISSED YOU. THERE, I SAID IT. He hums in agreement, settling into you, and there's a few moments of silence. AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME HOW I CAN TALK TO THEM? You know he's curious, but he's yet to actually ask. 

Well, yeah, I want to know, but it's not that important, he says. If anything I think it's really cool! You should teach me.

...YEAH. 

You can't help but feel guilty, though. You want to tell him. You really fucking do, every single day. But you know that if you do, you'll lose him. How could he not hate you after he finds out? You tighten your arms, and he doesn't comment on the roiling emotions he must be getting from you, and when he puts his hands over yours, you can't help but start to feel better.

That's how you fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did u think this was going to be a happy mer fic
> 
> everything i touch turns into angst. be waaarned
> 
> all the "-----"s are words Karkat doesn't know. Each - represents one letter, so if you count em out you might be able to guess which word it is? idk do whatchu want
> 
> y'know, maybe this chapter raises more questions than it answers...
> 
> hmm....


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have absolutely no excuse for taking so long and i am so sorry

Voices wake you up, and from the angle of the light streaming through the windows you know it's early morning. John is still laying against you, a firm weight on your chest, and when you hear Rose's voice from the other side of the door, you strain to listen.

“-value our bond as sisters, you will not open that door.”

“Aw, c'mon Rosey, don't you trust us?” You don't recognize this voice, and it sends a shiver up your spine. Rose and the others gave their word that they would protect you while on land, but if a stranger sees you then they can out you to the whole world if they wished. A voice that sounds like Dave's speaks, but it's too muffled for you to make out distinct words. There's another voice, distinctly male, and then a shout. You adjust your arms on John so that the sharp spines that usually lay flat are are fully visible, and you hope the threat is clear. The door swings open, and you bare your teeth and growl. John stirs, and when he senses your distress he becomes uneasy.

Karkat? What's going on?

You don't answer, because suddenly there's a human in front of the tank where there wasn't one before, and the quickness of it's movements trip some alarms in your head that scream PREDATOR PREDATOR PREDATOR. You hiss at it, bubbles rising from your throat, and push John off of your tail so you can position yourself in front of him. A low growl rattles in your chest, but that doesn't disguise the fact that in this tank you are fucking trapped and if he decides to do something there's not much you can do about it that you're willing to do in front of John.

The human looks a lot like Dave, except his glasses are shaped differently. This only serves to make everything a little bit worse.

You refuse to take your eyes off of him when another human stumbles into the room, and you watch the new female from your peripheral vision. She almost looks like Rose, from what you can see, and when she sees you she makes an exclamation of surprise.

“Dave,” the male human says, and you recognize it as the baritone you heard before. “What the fuck is this?”

“What the dickens?” It's getting really difficult to look only at the male that seems to know Dave, but he's the primary threat here, so you make do.

“Holy cow!” says the other female, and her voice comes out slightly distorted through the water. “Those are mermaids, with the tail, and the- mermaids!”

“Now you can see why we wished to keep this a secret,” Rose says. “No, Roxy, don't interrupt. You are my sister, and I do trust you, but you are not the only variable in this situation. I had to respect their wishes as well.”

“What fascinating creatures!” Says the other male voice, and he steps up beside the dangerous one, which you're glad for because it makes him easier to keep an eye on. He has black hair and rectangle glasses, with green eyes a few shades darker than Jade's. The way he's looking at you is making you uncomfortable.

“Jake, Dirk. I believe it would be better for everyone's health if you would give them some space.” The two males – Jake and Dirk, you wonder which is which – finally seem to notice your spines and teeth. Well, the male with the green eyes does. You suspect the other one knew the whole time.

“Sorry, old ----!” He steps back a few feet, which you're grateful for, but it only makes it all the more obvious when the other male doesn't.

If the fucker wants a challenge, you'll give him one.

Your growl deepens.

“Dirk,” Rose says warningly.

Karkat.

WHO DOES THIS SHITBAG THINK HE IS?! DOES HE WANT TO FUCKING GO, BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING GO.

Oh my gosh you guys are so stupid! You can almost hear his eye roll. I'm going up.

YOU'RE WHAT?! You tear your eyes away from the male to look at John, who's already started to swim. Not knowing what else to do, you go up after him, and you pull him away from the edges when you break the surface.

“Dirk,” you hear Rose say, her voice made clearer now that you're out of the water. “What exactly are you trying to accomplish?”

“I just wanted to see what he would do.” Like fuck he was. You make sure he knows you see through his bullshit with – yet another – growl.

“Dirk, look at him,” Rose says. “Whatever your intentions, it's obvious he's interpreted it as a show of dominance.”

“Kinky.”

THAT FUCKER.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” Your growl cuts off at the sound of Jade's voice, and she bursts into the room, her hair a mess and looking like she just woke up. “Jake, what are you doing here?!”

“Well, you see, ah, this is quite funny, actually,” the male with the green eyes says nervously. “We were curious as to what you lot were getting up to, and we decided to take a look. We're very sorry.”

“I'm not,” Dirk says lazily. Jade turns her glare to him, and it turns murderous. You flatten your spines and close your mouth, though – just in case she's actually looking at you. Dirk doesn't even twitch. “You all just start acting shifty as fuck one day, refusing to tell us anything, and then expect us to just ignore it? You don't know us very well, then.”

“I totally knew this would happen,” Dave says. “I fucking called it.”

“How did you get it?” Dirk asks Rose, and oh that was the last straw.

“I'm right fucking here, douchebag!”

“It can talk!” Jake says, shocked, and you scowl.

“No fucking shit. Who are you?”

“Karkat, this is my sister, Roxy,” Rose says, motioning to the other blonde female who you see has pink eyes, and she smiles at you and waves. “The stubborn asshole with the ----- shades is Dirk, my cousin and Dave's brother.”

“And that guy,” Jade says, pointing to the green-eyed male. “Who I _know_ I made promise to mind his own business,”  
cue death glare, “Is my cousin Jake.”

“John,” John says, pointing to himself, and then he pokes your cheek. “Karkat.” You glare at him, and he smiles.

“You know, of all the names that a mer-person could have,” Dirk says, “I didn't expect 'John' to be one of them.”

“I know, right?” Dave says. “Someone finally agrees.”

“Question still stands though,” Dirk says, and when he looks back at you you have a hard time keeping your spines flat. Fucker puts you on edge. “Unless we've suddenly been transported into one of my ------, I want to hear an explanation for all this.” You turn to John, ignoring your instinct to keep the other male in sight, and raise an eyebrow at him.

YES, JOHN, HOW EXACTLY DID YOU END UP HERE?

Well, he says, the thought of his words touched with guilt and soft with the idea that everything is fine now. I lead the female away so she couldn't get in the way of your fight. I thought I'd beaten her when she uh, he winces. Stabbed me with a piece of coral?

She. She.

She _stabbed_ your _matesprit_.

She stabbed your matesprit when by all rights he'd already _won_.

Hey, I'm fine now, and I knocked her out afterward so I got her back! John says, trying to calm you down as your tail swishes back and forth as a physical reminder of your anger. Because you are fucking angry. A low growl rattles deep in your chest as you try to figure out the best way to track her down and wrap your hands around her throat. Jade did this weird thing where she got me so it's not open any more, look it barely even hurts! It's like nothing even happ-

“SHE COULD HAVE FUCKING _KILLED_ YOU!! ” You put enough feeling into that thought that it brings it up to double exclamation points, and it's not until you hear an echo of a voice – your voice – that you realize you said it out loud. John's eyes widen. You take a deep breath, pointedly ignoring the humans and keeping your gaze fixed on John.

Karkat...

NO. You fight to keep your inner voice as calm as you can, but you get the feeling it doesn't work very well. I SPENT THE LAST SEVEN DAYS LOOKING FOR YOU, NOT KNOWING IF YOU WERE DEAD OR HURT AND STRANDED SOMEWHERE, AND THEN YOU TRY TO SAY IT'S LIKE “NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED”?! I THOUGHT I'D FUCKING LOST YOU, YOU STUPID FUCK. WHY DID YOU EVEN GO OFF ON YOUR OWN, YOU COULDN'T EVEN BEAT SEAWEED IN A FIGHT IF YOU TRIED-

John's face softens inexplicably, and when he touches a hand to your face it comes back wet and smelling like a very specific type of salt. Fuck.

“Fuck you,” You say out loud, pointing to John, and then you move around the circle. “Fuck you,” Dirk, “Fuck you,” Jake, “Fuck you,” Roxy, “Fuck you,” Rose. You frown when you get to Jade, and then skip over her when you see her mischievous expression. “Fuck you,” Dave.

“Hm, I didn't take you for someone who'd enjoy an ----,” Dirk says, and Jake splutters and smacks him on the shoulder.

“Dirk!”

“What's that?” you frown. It deepens into a scowl when Dirk starts to laugh.

“I am so not explaining that. Any takers?”

“It's not that hard to take a fucking guess,” you sneer. “I don't have a full... whatever that word is, on this language, you immature asshole.”

“Handle? Understanding? Grasp?” Rose suggests.

“The last one.”

“Which begs the question,” Dirk says. “How did you even learn it in the first place?” You don't answer, choosing to level glare at him instead. “I mean, there can't be many opportunities for someone who lives in the _ocean_ to learn English, right? So I'm curious. Did you have one of your mer-magic friends teach you? Or maybe...you had some human friends? Did you hang out with some of us land-dwellers, getting all cozy and learning the language and proper grammar-” He's cut off by a snarling growl that isn't yours. You realize that you're shaking, and you're not sure if what you're feeling is fear or anger, but you know you're very, very cold.

“Holy shit,” Dave says. “You got _John_ mad.”

John has moved away from the center and is now leaning over the edge of the tank towards Dirk, as far as he can go without toppling over, his teeth bared in a growl. Even if you wouldn't be able to feel his thoughts, every line of his body screams _shut your whore mouth._

This time, Dirk takes a step back.

That, there? That was definitely a twinge of pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaugh i wrote dirk so off i just know it but i'm too lazy to try to fix it .~. the next chapt will come sooner i promise bros. if u have any questions about this au PLEASE ask away


	6. Chapter 6

After that, Jade ushers everyone else out of the room and lifts John out of the tank to check on his wound. You definitely do not do anything that might be seen as hovering, and the smile John shoots your way is entirely unnecessary (if not reassuring).

“Everything’s looking good!” Jade says merrily, and you begin to translate for John before he can ask. “All of the cuts look fine, and it actually seems like your guys’s healing rate is a lot faster than ours! I didn’t even see the slightest bit of infection the whole time either, which means that your immune system is probably a lot stronger too.” She suddenly has a thinking look on her face, the type of look someone gets when they’re thinking over something they find interesting really hard and to you just screams “SCIENCE!”, but none of it feels clinical or unkind as you would expect it to be. She shakes her head after a moment, smiling disarmingly at both you and John. “Sorry! I guess I got a little carried away. Anyway, you can go home today if you want!”

You get a feeling of intense happiness - _seasalttidesfreehomeohgodyes_ \- when John catches Jade in a hug, smiling like an idiot. She laughs and hugs him back. You roll your eyes. You feel the same way, though. 

Within an hour they’re carrying you and John back to the same dock as before, Jade carrying you again and Dave carrying John. The other three humans must have left already. John nearly pulls Dave in with him in his eagerness to get back to the ocean, catching you all in a big splash, and laughs happily when he resurfaces.

“So this is goodbye, huh?” Jade says when she sets you down as well. She sits on the edge of the dock, the tips of bare toes trailing in the water. Her voice sounds sad, but you were never one for babying. 

“Yeah.”

“Will we ever get to see you two again?” She says wetly, and aw fuck it sounds like she’s about to cry, shit.

“Maybe,” you allow, and she smiles.

“I would certainly hope so.” Rose comes up and sits next to her, not quite allowing her feet to touch the water. Dave joins, and John swims up next to you. “I would like to get to know you both better.”

“If you think you can just fuck off into the sunset then you’re badly mistaken,” Dave nods. “You better get your fish asses back here or else. I have a scuba suit and I’m not afraid to use it.” You roll your eyes. John nods vigorously.

You’re the ones who leave first in the end. Both you and John are eager to get home, and after saying your final goodbyes you get there in record time. You were a bit worried that some fucker would have tried to claim your territory while you were away, but it appears to be untouched.

yes! John curls up among the seaweed, opening and closing his mouth to taste the water. When you do the same, it’s a familiar mix of salt and brine. He must find it as comforting as you do. i missed you, he croos. oh how i longed for your sweet embrace!

ARE YOU TALKING TO THE FUCKING SEAWEED?

yes. yes i am.

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, DID YOU KNOW THAT? 

He laughs, bubbles rising from his throat, and pulls you down with him.

///

Things are fine. Things are great. Things are absolutely fucking _perfect_ , and it’s the happiest you’ve managed to be for a long time.

It lasts a week. 

You’ve always been a bit more sensitive to another mers presence than John, although you’re not sure whether that comes from him never paying attention or you actually being better at it than him. So it doesn’t surprise you when you sense the approaching presence first. 

JOHN. WE HAVE COMPANY.

He cocks his head to the side as he focuses, and he nods.

think it’s one of the ones from last time?

THEY DIDN’T LOOK THAT FUCKING STUPID TO ME. I SAY WE GIVE THEM A WARM WELCOME.

He swims closer to you, not protesting when you place yourself slightly in front of him. You’re on the edge of your territory, and the other mer is closing in fast. Something about this doesn’t hit you as quite right, but when you can’t think of why you shrug it off. It’ll come to you eventually.

The first thing you see of them is of the light glinting off of their tail until the colors become clearer; yellow-gold peppered with red and blue, the same color as his eyes. You recognize him almost immediately.

SOLLUX?!

His gills heave with effort - how fast was he going?! 

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?! You can feel John’s confusion, but he can wait. The last time you saw Sollux was right out of your wriggler years. If he’s here now, it can’t mean anything good. The thoughts he’s sending you are a jumbled mess, incomprehensible. SLOW DOWN YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

kk- he says, and the old nickname gives you a sudden sense of nostalgia. you need to leave! they’re comiing! A chill runs down your spine that has nothing to do with the water. they’re almo2t here, ii came a2 2oon a2 ii could but they were keepiing fuckiing watch-

WHO? you ask. But you already know. 

your old clan, he says. they found out you’re 2tiil aliive. 

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? You don’t need to elaborate for him to know what you mean - Aradia, Tavros, Terezi, names that you haven't seen for years. 

aa’2 dead. everyone el2e left year2 ago. iit’2 ju2t me. He must sense them at the same time you do, a large group - fuck, ten at least, no more time to think about Aradia - because he whirls around. 2hiit!!

karkat?

SORRY, you say. I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. Because you are. You should have known you wouldn’t be able to live in peace for this long. And now it looks like John is going to be dragged into this, too. That’s the last fucking thing you want. YOU SHOULD GO. YOU’RE IN NO CONDITION TO FIGHT, you point out, gesturing toward his still-healing wound. He smiles easily. 

and miss all the fun? nah, i’d rather stay here.

And suddenly there’s no more time to protest, because they’re on you. Ten mers, each radiating varying degrees of anger, hostility, and disgust. They don’t look particularly surprised to see Sollux with you. One of them holds out a razor-shelled knife, a clear surrender-or-die. 

BRING IT ON, FISHFUCKERS.

\--

Needless to say, you have never been more grateful for your arm-spines in your life. But then again, you’ve never fought against so many at a time before, so there’s that. 

You, John, and Sollux fight in a loose triangle, guarding each-others backs. You duck under a powerful swipe of a females tail, and swing your arm up, skewering her in her side, and she screams. She falls away, quickly to be replaced by a male, his face written in fury. You take a fist to your face, but you deal. 

You can’t risk the lapse in attention to check on how Sollux and John are doing, too busy parrying and dealing out blows, but you keep careful tabs on their outputs. They seem to be doing fine, for the most part. At least until things go to hell. 

The male is quicker than you gave him credit for, and he bowls you backward with his tail. Hands grab at you from behind, locking your arms behind your back before you can squirm out of their grasp. You snarl wordlessly, and the male wastes no time. Sharp nails rake across your face and chest, and he punches you with both his fists and tail. You don’t know why he doesn’t just kill you. Revenge, maybe, but for what you don’t know. Probably for some stupid thing like existing. 

Suddenly, the male is gone. You blink away the blood immediately in front of your eyes and see John going to town on him, only to see him get pounced by another two mers. He fights viciously, but he’s no match, already looking tired and beaten. You struggle even harder against the mer restraining you, desperate to get to John, and you manage to twist out of their grip. You only take the time to swipe a spine across the female’s gills before throwing yourself at John’s attackers. You’re merciless, taking every advantage you can and you have them down within seconds. 

FUCK. They didn’t hold back on him, either. He’s struggling to stay conscious and failing, so much blood in the water you can’t see where it’s coming from, and you take him in your arms. 

GO! Sollux thrusts himself between you and the last of the mers, his arms spread wide, cracks of light gathering at his fingertips. II’LL HOLD THEM OFF!

YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY-

JUST GO YOU FUCKIING A22HOLE!! You hesitate. But you know Sollux is right, even without really saying anything. You can’t win this, not with John like this.You back away slowly. 

I’LL SEE YOU LATER.

yeah. 2ee you later.

\--

Fuck. Fuck. You just left Sollux to die and John is bleeding out in your arms and you don’t know what to do fucking FUCK. 

So you go to the only place you can think of. 

It could only have been twenty minutes swimming as fast as you could, but by the time you get to the docks it’s already dark, the last light of an already set sun fading slowly. You haul John up first, as gently as you can, before pulling yourself up after him. You sit there panting for a minute, hating yourself for every second you waste while your matesprit is dying beside you but unwilling to move forward. 

You have to. You fucking _have_ to, there’s no other choice, no matter how much you wish there was. 

That doesn’t mean the thought of it doesn’t scare you shitless. 

But the thought of losing John scares you more, so you do it anyway. 

Your nerves are strung out on adrenaline and exhaustion, and your wounds sting and throb painfully in tempo with each other. You reach into that deep unnameable part of your mind, of yourself, and you pull. Your desperation makes it easier. 

It still hurts like a motherfucker. 

Your tail pulls itself apart, muscle and tendon and bone snapping and reconnecting, and you scream just as much as you did the first time. John doesn’t even twitch.When it’s over, finally over, this time the only thing you _can_ do is lay there.You swallow and, without looking down, try to stand. 

You almost fall over at first - don’t overcompensate fuck balancing fuck - until you force yourself to stop and breathe. You don’t have time to relearn this all over again. Take one step. Then another. Good, now bend with your knees fuck shit balance balance. You heft John up, ignoring the way your weak human legs complain against the weight, and begin to walk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so the big reveal. probably really obvious in hindsight but shrug


	7. Chapter 7

Your arms and your legs burn, while simultaneously managing to feel like lead. The grass under your feet is needles crashing like broken glass up every nerve, as if making up for the years that they didn’t exist. John’s breathing is shallow, and his wound from before has opened up again, the blood from both his and your wounds making it hard to keep your grip on him. The night air is cold and it feels like you can’t catch your breath. You only let yourself focus on each step and the ground beneath your human feet, trying not to trip. You repeat the familiar mantra in your head: one step in front of the other. One step in front of the other.

_One fucking step in front of the other._

The way to the building - what do they call them, houses? - seems longer than before - although you guess that’s to be expected under the circumstances, your sense of time is probably skewed to shit by now - but after what seems like a lifetime, you get there. You can’t risk freeing a hand to pound on the door, so you call out instead.

“Jade!” Your voice cracks. You try again. “Rose! Dave!” Nothing. “ _Fuck._ ” What if they’re not here? What if they’re out doing whatever it is humans do, or they live somewhere else and only come here every once in a while? Fuck, why did it take until you got here for you to think of this?! Your head is thick with exhaustion and fear and the thought of walking even more makes your legs tremble and head whine for a minute of unconsciousness, just a second to rest it won’t take long _please_. The door opens.

Jade stands there, her hair slightly mussed and her acid green eyes standing out almost painfully against the half-light illuminating her from behind. Her face at seeing you goes from confused shock, to horror and then determination when she sees John in your arms.

“In here,” she says, and you follow her to the room where she’d had John before, somehow managing not to trip on anything or send you and John sprawling out painfully on the floor. It’s obvious what she wants you to do when she rolls out a long metal table, but some part of you refuses to let John go. You hesitate.

“Karkat, you need to put him down so I can sew him up before he bleeds to death!” You move forward when she says that. What were you thinking, stupid fucking instincts. The metal is cold when you put John on the table, and he shivers. You cling tightly to Johns limp hand, your thoughts repeating themselves along the same tired line. Please don’t die, please be okay, fuck fuck FUCK.

“Am I hallucinating, or am I really getting an eyeful of Karkat ass?” 

You growl at Dave’s voice, but it comes out too flat, wrong, not nearly close enough to what it’s supposed to be, and you cut it off. You don’t even try to answer in words, choosing instead to keep your eyes locked on John’s face. His hand is cold, too cold, in yours.

“I do believe your mental faculties are safe this time, brother.”

“You guys need to get out of here so I can concentrate.” Jade’s lips are thinned into a stern, determined line, needle and thread poised over the largest of Johns wounds - a painfully deep gash carved into his arm. “You too, Karkat!”

The hand on your shoulder is light, gentle, nothing that can be considered confining or restricting. You flinch anyway.

“Come on,” Rose says. “Let’s get you cleaned up. You won’t be any use to him if your wounds get infected.” Right. Right, okay, that makes sense. Letting his fingers slip from yours has to be the most painful fucking thing even in comparison to what you felt not ten minutes ago, but you let Rose guide you out of the room and in front of the door of another. Dave has disappeared somewhere.

“Karkat.” Rose snaps her fingers in front of your face when you don’t respond, and you look up at her. Her face is as level and calm as the last time you saw her, but there’s a tightness around her eyes and a slight cadence to her voice. She looks worried. “Do you know how to use a shower?” You nod numbly, and she opens the door to a homely bathroom with yellow painted walls, a shower against the far wall. 

“Here,” Dave says, appearing from out of nowhere. He shoves a small bundle of cloth into your hands, very resolutely not looking down. “I hope you know how to clothes because I am not teaching you that shit.” 

You must be more exhausted than you thought, because after a few moments of everything seeming to fade in on itself, you’re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror. The shallow parallel gashes running down the side of your face and into your chest are exposed neatly against your skin now that most of the blood has been washed off. You haven’t started to bruise, yet, but you know it’s only a matter of time, and won’t you be a sight to behold then.

Dave only gave you a pair of jeans, and since you apparently already put those on, you head back out into the hall. You stop in front of the closed door that leads to the room with Jade and John, but you jump at the sound of a voice before you can work up the nerve to open it. 

“Karkat, we’re in here.” After casting one last glance at the door, you follow the sound of Rose’s voice down the hall and deeper into the house to a back room. Blankets and pillows are piled in heaps and spilling off a large couch, a large television playing on low. They must have been watching a movie or something. Dave lounges in one corner and Rose sits primly in another, and you settle down slowly when she motions for you to sit on the cushions between them. 

A metal box with words you’ve long forgotten how to read written on the corner sits between her legs, and she flips open the catch to reveal bundles of white cloth, fishing out a black bottle and some bandages.

You face forward, stiff with tension as she dabs at a set of gashes down your arm with cloth soaked with liquid from the bottle, refusing to move or make a sound even as it begins to sting like fuck. The cuts trail down into claw-shaped indents at your elbow where the female’s claws dug into your skin as she restrained you, and your throat tightens with anger and guilt as you force yourself to look away. You thought you were safe. You thought you were strong enough, and look where that got you. Where it got John.

You’re not even trying to pay attention to what’s going on on the screen in front of you, for all your gaze is fixed on it, and Rose has just begun to move up from your arm to a set of bite-marks in the crook of your neck you don’t even remember getting when Dave decides to speak, not even a half-hour later.

“So are we just gonna ignore the giant -------- in the room or what?” He pauses. “Aw man, there was just so much potential for a pun there but I just let it go to waste. All those possibilities. Gone.”

“Dave,” Rose says warningly, but he continues anyway.

“What,” he says defensively, “You can’t tell me you’re honestly _not curious_. One minute we got Mr Mer-Magicy Asshole and then the next he shows up as not just a regular human asshole, which maybe isn’t even that weird seeing as I didn’t even think mermaids really existed a couple weeks ago so who knows what else he can do, but also dragging along an unconscious John with some serious chunks taken out of them both? Like seriously, what the fuck even happened?” 

You decide not to answer, not even sure what you would say, not even sure if you’re capable of even forming words at the moment because you’re brain is still caught between pointless denial and the irrefutable reality of this situation and you are just so _fucking exhausted_ you could scream.

“Are you done?” You ask Rose instead, looking to your right where she sits, and she considers you for a moment, her lips pulled down in a contemplative frown.

“Under normal circumstances, no,” she says after a moment. “But I think we’ve long established these aren’t normal circumstances. We can --------, if you insist.”

“Thank you,” you nod, and then you stand. You can feel your ribs protest faintly as you move back out into the hallway, now that you’ve rested a bit and the rest of the adrenaline in your system is spent. You’re not looking forward to how they’ll feel later, but you push the thought of it out of your mind. 

You don’t even attempt to go through the door to Jade and John; you don’t want to interrupt her work, and you hovering over her will just end up making it worse for everyone involved. Hesitating, you settle for sinking down against the wall next to the door and trying to remember how to fold your legs. You get it eventually, folding them in an over-under pattern that had been way more difficult than you’d first thought when you’d first begun mastering this shit, and taken forever for you to learn. The wall is solid against your spine when you settle back against it.

You aren’t aware of the heaviness weighing on your eyelids and dragging you into unconsciousness until you feel the hand lightly shaking your shoulder, and you jerk up from your tired slouch. Jade draws her hand back.

“Sorry,” she whispers. “I thought you’d want to know I’m done. John is still asleep. Call me if anything happens.”

“Thank you,” you whisper back, and she nods. You realize then how tired she looks, her face drawn and her movements slightly shaky as she pulls back into one of the other rooms in the hallway. You recall the room you’d been in with Dave and Rose, and you feel a pang of guilt. They’d probably been relaxing and having fun watching one of their human movies when you’d just knocked on their door, bloody and gory after the fight without even the slightest of explanations; no wonder Jade looks so horrible, you probably scared her sick.

(Part of you refuses to be sorry. Better to ruin their night than for John to be dead.)

Clenching your teeth, you begin the tedious process of standing up. You manage it with only toppling over once. Low light spills out from under the door, and when you push it open it does so without a sound. It takes a couple seconds longer than usual for your eyes to adjust to the soft lighting, which would be more disconcerting if you weren’t expecting it already. Your heart seizes up in panic for a moment when you don’t see John immediately on the table, but a quick sweep over the room reveals a medium-sized white tub in a corner of the room where there hadn’t been one before, a tuft of black hair peeking over one end. You wonder where Jade got it from, and if she had to get this all ready herself. Taking a chair sitting against one wall, you drag it over to the edge of the tub, being careful not to make any noise. When you sit down, the top of the tub reaches just over your waist.

He looks a bit better, now that he’s not covered in blood and his wounds are sewn up, although he’s still too pale and pinched-looking for your liking. He’s up to his gills in salt water, the surface of it rippling slightly from your breath. You slouch over so your chin rests on your hands, which are folded over the rim of the tub, and close your eyes. 

You flicker in and out of consciousness to the sound of John’s breathing, even and quiet, half-formed dreams flashing psychedelic blues and reds across the back of your eyelids. Faces you’ve tried hard to forget scream unheard judgements that you still hear anyway. Aradia examines you emotionlessly as her blood wreaths through her hair and curls out of her mouth like smoke you can almost taste. A shade of green that’s exact shade you forget the moment it’s gone; you have nowhere to go in the blue expanse and you’re only lost because everything you know has been taken from you. Sollux stares at you accusingly with blank, dead eyes leached of all color, his mouth forming the words syllable by syllable.

You jerk awake with a start, your breathing heavy and your heart thundering in your ears. The room is almost entirely dark as your pulse skitters frantically, and you gasp as you try to get your breathing back under control, your eyes wide as you stare incomprehensibly at the wall directly in front of you made pitch by the darkness. Fear breaks the first pebble loose and in seconds the whole mountain of thoughts you’ve been trying to ignore are falling down around you in a vast avalanche. Unmitigated anger rises up and swallows you like a tidal wave; fury, absolute _outrage_ consuming you until your bones feel like they’re on fire.

 _What am I going to do now,_ you think, and you rise slowly, arms shaking at your sides. _What the **fuck** ,_ you think, kicking the chair across the room, _am I going to do now?! Great job,_ you snarl to yourself, pacing back and forth furiously and fisting your hands in your hair. You are screwed, completely and totally. You are _stuck_ , you are _stuck_ in this human fucking body and who knows how long it will be before you can change back, it only took _five fucking years_ the last time! How are you supposed to deal with this again, stuck on land with nowhere to go, how the fuck are you going to stay with John through this? If he even wants to _look_ at you after this, that is, because it doesn’t take much to realize you are a sick, disgusting freak! Let’s just add him to the list of people you’ve screwed over, right next to Sollux who just gave his fucking life for you even though you are an inept piece of shit, right under anyone who’s ever given you a single kind gesture in your fucked-up existence! Hot, frustrated tears spill from your eyes, trailing wetly down your cheeks.

“Kar...kat?”

You freeze, hands half-caught in the act of pulling at your hair, and swallow thickly. The noise from you kicking the chair must have woken him up; stupid, stupid. You turn around, slowly, dread weighing heavily on your chest, to see John looking at you with unbridled confusion as he sees you standing on two very human legs. You wait for the confusion to be replaced by disgusted judgement, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he blinks a couple times, rubs his eyes like he might be seeing something wrong, and then blinks at you again, wincing as he tries to sit up a little bit.

“Karkat?” He asks again, still looking at you.

“Fuck,” you breathe out shakily, and fresh tears streak down your face. “I’m s-sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I should have told you before but I was a fucking coward and now you can’t even understand what I’m saying, can you? Fuck!” John is silent, his eyes blown wide; if you can’t reach out to him, then he’s as blind to you as you are to everyone else. Just another thing lost in translation when you change. “And then you got hurt because you were with me, they hurt you because you were with me and I’m sorry, I am so sorry, so fucking sorry-” You fall to your knees by the tub, barely noticing the pain as they jar against the floor, and draw in shuddering gasps as you lean your forehead against the rim of the tub. You barely notice as you wrap your arms around yourself, repeating the same phrase over and over in a strained whisper, unable to say anything else. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, so - sorry, I’m so sorry, sorry, so-” You hiccup as he rests a hand gently in your hair, and some of your meaning must have gotten through to him.

“Karkat, no,” he says firmly. “No sssorry. Karkat.” He tugs lightly at your hair; not a request, but a demand. He doesn’t _sound_ angry. But no, your wishful thinking is just messing with your head, of course he’s fucking angry with you. You look up.

He’s… he’s not angry with you. His eyes are soft with something you don’t dare to name in case it disappears the second you do. Even in the darkness you can see the skin around one of his eyes already starting to bruise.

You open your mouth to say something - and John paps you lightly on the cheek, his brows set in a look of stern, playful seriousness that he’s given you too many times over the years you’ve known him for you to count. It’s a callback to an old joke; you’d been unable to decide between flushed or pale when you first met, vacillating so often it should’ve been criminal, until you both got over yourselves and just kissed each other already, deciding to settle for something closer to the human equivalent of love. It’s one thing you’re grateful to the humans for, at least.

“Fine, fine, no sorry,” you mumble, wiping away at the remaining wetness on your face. You want nothing more to climb in beside John and fall asleep there, but one: the tub doesn’t look exactly big enough for it, and two: human bodies aren’t designed to sleep in water, and you’re not looking forward to finding out what it will do to your wounds.

You can figure out a way to talk to him in the morning. For now, you settle down beside the tub, making sure to keep your fingers interlocked with his. The surface of the tub is cool against your skin. Sleep comes swiftly after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: changed it from "three" to "five" years for timeline reasons. not too important but it bugged me. Carry on!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh slight warnings for emetophobia and ever so slight body dysphoria for this chapter
> 
> thanks to sabaku_no_gaara_ai for beta-ing this chap! :D

When you’d first met John, you’d been alone for seven years.

Any time you’d sensed someone you’d always turned around and headed in the other direction, afraid of being recognized. Everyone who cared would have had to think you were dead by that point, and you were in no hurry to change their minds. Besides, anyone who was stupid enough to be travelling alone in the middle of nowhere was either going to be a desperate bastard or looking for a fight, usually both at once. But when you’d felt that presence, singular and clouded at the edges with loneliness and grief, something had kept you from leaving. Whether it was because you’d felt that way so many times yourself or if you were just desperate for company, you’d drawn closer, and closer, and then you saw him, and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing sitting alone near a pile of rocks, and he’d told you, and the rest, as they say, is history.

It’s far from the worst you’ve had, as far as dreams go.

You wake screaming.

“Karkat!” John’s voice is tight and high with panic, and you close your mouth in an effort to stop. Instead you end up biting your tongue and screaming behind gritted teeth. He keeps repeating your name, and even with your eyes screwed shut you can tell he’s scrambling to get out of the tub, to see what’s wrong. You flail a hand up to push him back in - or at least try to. Through the haze of pain trying to tear your right leg apart you realize you can’t because that hand is still gripping tightly to John’s. You would probably be flustered over how unbearably romantic it is that you held hands the entire night, but you’re a bit preoccupied with curling into a ball of pain as you wait for the burning agony to end.

After what feels like a lifetime, the muscles in your leg finally relax and you go limp, panting from the pain and exhaustion and trying to stay as still as possible. John is tugging on your hand, still calling out, and you realize how tightly you were gripping him before. You grunt tiredly, hoping it will assure him that you’re okay, it’s just this body being a fucking asshole piece of shit, when you hear the door to the room slam open.

“PREPARE TO DIE, FUCKASS!” You squint open your eyes at the sound of what can only be described as a war cry, to see Jade standing there with her glasses askew, hair wild, holding - is that a _shotgun?_ She waves it around frantically, but in an eerily precise manner that reminds you a bit of a shark frenzy. “I’LL PUMP YOU FULL WITH SO MUCH METAL YOU’LL BE SH-”

“Jade!” John cuts her off mid-threat, and her attention snaps to him and then to you. She walks over and crouches down next to you, gun laid down carefully on the side.

“Karkat, was that you? Are you okay?”

“Fine,” you mumble, and then, “Just - help me up.” She offers a hand and you take it, and she pulls you up as she stands. You hiss in pain as your leg straightens out, aching dully in protest. You fucking swear, every time you get one of these it gets worse; you haven’t had one in _years_ and yet it looks like you’re starting right back up where you left off. Fucking fantastic. You test putting your weight on it, even though you kn- yeah, no way is that happening for at least an hour. You settle for sitting on the rounded edge of the tub, your other leg already protesting from taking your full weight and _fuck_ , your ribs hurt, you completely forgot about that like a fucking moron. Great. Jade waits patiently while you get your breath back from the whole endeavor. “Fine. Leg just…” You scowl, frustrated at your lack of yet another word, and attempt to convey your meaning by holding up a fist and twisting it. She seems to get it, at least.

“Ooh, a leg cramp,” she says, eyebrows furrowed in sympathy, and you nod. “I hate those! That sounded like a really bad one. Do you need anything?” You shake your head in the negative. “Well,” she yawns, picking the gun back up. “I guess I’ll start breakfast. Can you guys even eat a regular human diet? I don’t think you’d like goldfish flakes very much.” She giggles. “But, hm, we’re fresh out of fish… I’ll think of something!” She whispers ‘goldfish flakes’ under her breath and giggles again as she leaves the room, closing the door behind her. You’re a bit confused by what she means by ‘breakfast’ until you realize that it is indeed morning, light streaming in through the windows. You suppose if you were to be grateful for anything at the moment it would be that you didn’t wake screaming in the middle of the night.

You take another moment to breathe, and then turn to John. He’s still looking at you worriedly, biting nervously at a lip that looks just this side of split, but you’re not worried about that right now. Bruises have bloomed across his skin in dark, ugly patterns, and you grumble quietly to yourself as you thumb over them as lightly as you can. He does the same to you, as gently as he can, but even when he presses a little too hard you make no move to stop him. It’s only when he winces from stretching one of his wounds as he reaches up that you push his arm down with a frown. He sticks his tongue out at you. Idiot. When his stomach growls, he blushes.

“I’ll be right back,” you say, even though you’re pretty sure he can’t understand you. So far John seems to be a quick learner, but he’s not going to learn anything if you keep doing this pantomiming shit. He must at least get your general meaning, if you have his nervous nod right, and you curse under your breath as you slowly straighten back up and attempt to limp to the door. You probably shouldn’t be trying to walk yet - as if the fact that it fucking hurts when you put weight on your leg isn’t sign enough - but you’re not just going to sit by when there’s something wrong with John that you can actually _fix._

When you finally manage to get out, down the hall and into what you think was the kitchen, Rose is already sitting at the table with a steaming mug of something in her hands. She nods at you in greeting, and you nod back to see Jade poking around in the - thermal hull? - _refrigerator_ , making “hmm” noises. You lean over her as far as your abused ribs will allow, searching for something light and easy, and then reach past her to pull out a pair of eggs, eyebrows raised. She makes an “oooh” sound, reciting something under her breath as she takes them from your hand and moves to the stove. You catch the words “thiamine” and “zinc” and “pantothenic acid” before you tune back out and move to lean against the wall, watching as she cracks the eggs into a pan. You could have done it yourself, but whatever. 

There’s the click-click-click of the flame to the stove being ignited, and it surprises you how familiar it sounds even though you haven’t heard it in years. Look at you, getting nostalgic over the stupidest fucking things. Your attention is directed to Rose when she makes a thoughtful noise in the back of her throat.

“Did you sleep well?” When you weren’t being bombarded by nightmares, sure. You shrug. Rose seems to take that as an acceptable answer. “I am sorry about last night,” she says, and you notice that she’s not wearing the black lipstick that you’d seen her with before. She looks strange without it. Less intimidating. “Dave can be a bit tactless at times. If I didn’t know him better I would say sometimes he does it on purpose.”

“Where is he?” Your good leg is starting to burn already, but it won’t get any stronger or easier to stand on if you don’t exercise it. You stay resolutely up.

“Still asleep!” Jade moves away from the stove and to the far side of the kitchen where you can’t see her, and you hear the sound of opening and closing drawers. “I swear,” she laughs, “that guy can sleep through anything!”

“Jade,” Rose says. “Could you take a look at Karkat for me, when you can? You may have taught me the basics of medical care but I’m afraid I’m incapable of telling if something requires a more practiced hand.”

“Sure!” You shift self-consciously as Jade walks over and begins prodding at the various wounds you hadn’t let Rose get at the night before. She doesn’t waste any time, done in less than thirty seconds. “The ribs look a little bruised, and I want to get some of these cuts bandaged... But nothing I can see that won’t heal on its own in a couple of weeks.” She drifts back to the kitchen, and you hear her call out, “So what even happened to you? It looks to me like you got in a fight, but…”

“Yeah,” you say, trying to ignore how Rose is watching you carefully. “Something like that. It’s complicated.”

“Complicated that you got in a fight.”

“I’m-” you sigh. Really, there’s no point in keeping it from them. “I’m not normal, okay?”

“Ooooh,” Jade says, and then, more quietly, “Oh.” There’s a moment of silence, filled only by the hissing of the flame, as they weigh the implications of what you just said.

“Well,” Rose says. “Whatever the case, you are welcome here.”

“Yeah!” Jade says. But there’s been something that’s been bugging you, and you guess now would be as good a time as any to ask.

“Why? Why are you being so… nice?” 

Rose looks like she’s about to answer, before Jade beats her to it.

“We’re not just going to kick you out when you’re in trouble, silly!” Jade walks out of the kitchen with plates and forks in her hands, the plastic plates loaded with eggs. You shake your head in bafflement as she hands two of them to you. 

“You’re weird.”

Jade crosses her eyes at you. “No, you’re weird.”

“ _You’re_ weird.”

“Now, now,” Rose says. “Let’s leave the sick burns to Dave, shall we?” Jade giggles and you try to stifle a snort of amusement, fail, almost drop the plates because _bruised ribs, dipshit_ , and then place the plates on the table. You scrape half of the contents of one plate onto the other and hand the one with the larger amount back to Jade.

“Too much too fast is not good,” you explain. “Have to build up slow. Not used to it.”

“Huh,” she says. “Interesting. So _can_ you guys eat goldfish flakes?” You roll your eyes and begin limping back to John at the sound of Jade’s laughter and Rose’s quiet laugh of amusement, plate firmly in your hands. Your leg is a little better, at least. John is hunched pensively in the tub when you get back, but the second he sees you he lights up. 

You can’t help but feel a little better at that.

John peers at the plate curiously as you settle back down on the edge of the tub.

“Food,” you say, pointing to the plate, and then spear a bit of the egg with the fork and make a show of putting it in your mouth and chewing, the taste strange but familiar on your tongue. John rolls his eyes and you can almost hear his _i know what food is, duh!_ “You try it then, smartass.” You thrust the fork at him and his expression turns from that of amusement to one of concentration. He gets the grip wrong, holding it more like a spear, and you correct his grasp so that the ring finger and pinky finger are supporting the stem of it from underneath. 

“I know,” you say at his confused look. “It’s weird as hell but that’s the easiest way. Here.” He blinks as you bring the plate forward, his tongue sticking out at the corner of his mouth a little as he brings the fork up slowly. And then stabs it at the plate almost faster than you can see, sending a few bits of egg flying with nothing on the fork to show for it. He pouts as you laugh. “It’s not going to _swim away_ , you dork. Let me just-” 

You grab his hand, still wrapped around the fork, and bring it slowly up to the plate, pointedly taking your time with sinking the pointed ends into the soft yellow flesh. John sticks his tongue out at you and you smirk. He doesn’t see it, though, too busy staring cross-eyed at the fork as he holds it in front of his face. In one decisive movement, he sticks the fork in his mouth and - wrinkles his nose, still chewing. At least he didn’t spit it out all over the place like you did when you first tried it. You contemplate the fork, back in a spear-grip in his hands, wondering if it’d be easier to just have him use his fingers for now; the idiot _would_ find a way to hurt himself with the dully pointed prongs. But the challenge of it seems like a welcome distraction for him. He has it back in a proper hold and is already going in for another bite before you can try to correct it, but instead of bringing it to his mouth like you expected, he holds it up toward you.

“Karkat, you?”

Oh.

The small bite that you’d already taken churns unsteadily in your gut, and you grimace faintly as you shake your head. “I’m not hungry. You go ahead.”

“Oh no you don’t, mister!” You jump at the sound of Jade’s unexpected voice behind you, and John jumps slightly as well, although you suspect it’s more because of your reaction than him being surprised at all. Stupid weak as shit human hearing. You turn slightly to glare at Jade to find her glaring right back, hands on her hips as she leans forward above you where she stands. “You need to eat, too. If you’re worried about John not having enough we can always make more. Now eat!” 

She continues to glare at you until you reach down to the plate and pop a bit of egg in your mouth, glowering as you chew. She raises an eyebrow, showing no signs of leaving, and continues to tap her foot pointedly until you’ve taken another three bites, your glower darkening every time. Finally, she decides you must’ve eaten enough for her liking, and she gives a satisfied nod.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” she asks, smiling, and as she turns around to walk out the door you do not stick your tongue out at her in a childish manner. She, however, flips you a completely unwarranted middle finger from around the doorframe.

“Shut up and eat your damn food already,” you huff to a snickering John. Instead, he seems to take you words as an invitation to laugh even harder, fork waving dangerously in the air in one hand and the other clutching at his sides. You can feel your lips trying to twitch up in amusement but you firmly push them back down because you’re trying to make a _point_ , God dammit, when-

Oh. Oh shit.

Shit shit shit shit _fuck_ -

You scramble up from where you sit on the edge of the tub, mindless of the plate as it clatters to the floor, not even thinking about the pain in your leg or your ribs as you bolt for the door. Your jaw is tight in a way that’s all too familiar, you can already taste the bile in the back of your throat and shit you’re not going to make it-

You throw open the bathroom door, ignoring the surprised cry of “ _Holy-!_ ” as you dive for the toilet. You make it just in time for everything in your stomach to reintroduce itself to your mouth, helpless to do anything but go with it, riding the waves of nausea as your digestive sac cramps and triggers reflexive tears. Everything smells acid and terrible and when it’s all finally over you’re too tired to even reach up and flush, let alone move away. 

Fuck your life.

“Okay, wow.” No, go away Dave, you’re too busy groaning in misery to deal with his bullshit. “Are you - ack, that smells disgusting. I’m just. I’ll go get Jade, stay here.” Yeah, sure, because you were _so going to move_. You hear the slap-slap-shuffle of bare feet walking from tile to wood floors and wonder what Dave was doing in here. Getting into the shower or getting out, either one. You would say you feel bad about interrupting whatever it was he was doing but, really, no, you don’t. And okay you _really_ need to flush this stuff away now because the smell is just making you relive the whole experience in your head and you really _do not want_ to actually throw up again. Like, the exact opposite of that. You just want to keep all of your bodily fluids on the inside where they belong, is that too much to fucking ask?

You close the lid and rest your uninjured cheek on the cool ceramics of it as it flushes with a muted _sthwoosh_. Oh, look, your ribs decided to check in again, how nice of them. Great. Great! You really needed this on top of everything else, today. Ugh. Everything smells like death and tastes like _worse_ death. John is probably wondering what the fuck is going on, too. You’ll get up to make sure he’s okay soon.

In a minute.

Eventually.

...Fuck you think you need somebody to help you up. Which is all well and good, because you can hear feet approaching that are quickly closing in _while you are in an enclosed space injured and unable to move oh look such an easy snack--_

“Kar--” Jade stops short in the doorway as a ripping growl tears itself out of your throat, and you cut that shit right out as soon as you realize what you’re doing. Your leg got this close to cramping again from tensing up so suddenly, and if your ribs were hurting before then they’re _killing_ you, now. Once your muscles have finished unwinding, you bang your forehead against the lid of the seat a few times because _fuck._

You _hate_ this part. The part where your brain gets totally thrown off-balance by the sudden huge change in your body and all of your instincts get kicked into overdrive before it settles back down again. Because everything always has to be so FUCKING DIFFICULT. You can already tell you’re going to be super tetchy about personal space for a little while. Doesn’t help that that sorry excuse for a growl chafed your throat raw. And it’s just going to keep happening.

Your voice cracks when you try to say “Sorry,” so you do it again. Jade hasn’t moved from where she stopped in the doorway when you look at her from the corner of your eye, unwilling to move your head in its entirety. She’s a little wide-eyed, breathing weird like you scared her, and you try again. “Didn’t mean to do that. Sorry. You just surprised me.” It’s another moment before she nods, moving into the room slowly like she’s testing every step. Smart of her, you guess, although it’s a bit late now. There’s an uncomfortable pinpricking where the spines of your arms used to be, nothing more than slightly-raised scar-like ridges of skin now, as your body tries to trigger a defense mechanism that simply doesn’t exist anymore. Which is stupid, because you know her and she doesn’t seem like someone to hurt another person for no reason and she’s just a human, besides.

(You should probably stop referring to them as “humans” like they’re some group that you’re excluded from. You’re a human now, too, gonna be one for a while. It would be better for you to just come to terms with that now rather than keeping on with the passive-denial Jade-human Dave-human Rose-human thing you’ve been doing. Still kind of hard to accept, though.)

“Sorry I scared you. Dave was just freaking out - well, freaking out for him - and I sort of panicked and thought something bad might have happened.” Jade kneels to sink to your level so that she’s not towering above you and some over-wired part of your brain relaxes minutely. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. I just-” You wave a hand away from your mouth in a vaguely throwing-up motion. “Bleh. Too many eggs.”

“Karkaat,” she says, “why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I did. Said I wasn’t hungry.”

“Oh.” She sounds...kind of guilty. Which is sort of appropriate, given the situation, but was really not what you were intending to do and now you feel like even more crap. Before you can assure her that she doesn’t need to apologize, she begins to talk again. “Is it a food thing, or a you thing? Because if it’s a food thing then we should go check on John.” 

“Just me.” Thank God John doesn’t have to go through any of this crap. “Shouldn’t eat anything for a while. Or else this happens.” You should be better in a couple hours, tomorrow afternoon at the latest. You’ve gone longer without food, you should be fine. “Ugh, fuck. Can you help me up?” You grab her hand when she reaches down, letting her haul you up to your feet. You press lightly at your ribs, grimacing as you do so, before Jade slaps your hands away.

“Stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself even more. Hm.” She frowns at your ribs. “I should have done this a while ago but I completely forgot. I want you to breathe in for me as deeply as you can and tell me - actually, can you count?”

“Yes,” you roll your eyes, “I’m not stupid.”

“Just figured I should ask,” she shrugs. “You never know. But like I was saying. Breathe in as deep as you can and tell me how bad it hurts on a scale from one to ten.”

You comply, slowly breathing in until your lungs are full. The sharp ache in your ribs is almost too much, but it’s possible. “Seven,” you say on your breath out. “And a half.”

“But you can do it.” She nods to herself. “Keep doing that every half-hour. It should help your ribs heal."

You nod, and she smiles brightly at you in return. There's a twinge in your gut that has nothing to do with your ribs or your stomach. "Sorry," you say.

"For what?" She asks. _For everything,_ you want to say, but she continues before you can. "Don't worry about it. Just focus on getting better for now, okay?" She holds out a hand, and you realize after a moment that she wants you to shake it. She smiles again when you do.

Okay, that twinge was _definitely_ your stomach this time.

Jade returns with a glass of water when you're done - plastic cup, smart of her - and you take it from her gratefully.

"Oh, Karkat," she says deviously. "We have to stop meeting this way!"

You barely keep yourself from spitting water all over the place, and Jade manages to stop laughing when you start to cough, and subsequently curse from the pain.

"Sorry," she says, taking the cup back from you. "I couldn’t help myself."

You roll your eyes, but find it in yourself to smile. Just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! it's...been a while, haha. sorry about that. i know it seems like nothing really happens in this chapter, but this is just the calm before the storm, kiddos, so hold on to your underwear.


	9. Chapter 9

You're left alone in the room when Karkat scrambles away, hand clapped over his mouth. There's a shout from who you think is Dave, and then whatever happens next is too quiet for you to hear.

Ohh nooo. You hope Karkat is okay.

You spend a handful of seconds fidgeting helplessly, wondering what's going on, before you decide to make yourself useful. The round disc didn't fall too far from the tank...thing you're in, and even if it hurts to stretch that far, you manage to pick it up.

Okay. You now have a round disc thing. Great job, John. Karkat would be proud.

...Now what?

You're trying to remember a little game your dad taught you when you were younger -- damn, there was a rhyme or something, how can you not remember this you always used to repeat it and annoy the fuck out of everyone -- when Dave walks into the room. His hair sticks up in spikes, his clothes are dishevelled, and you think...

Oh. Pffft, oh man, keep it together, John.

Dave walks over to where Karkat kicked the chair last night and puts it back upright, sitting in it heavily. He says something, and then another thing. He says a lot of things, the majority of which you don't understand. The words that you do are too far apart and too difficult to comprehend correctly without context; all you can hear are just names, and some random words.

you know i don't know what you're saying, right? It's a pointless effort but you do it anyway, even as Dave continues to talk. all i can tell is that you're saying karkat's name a lot.

Rose walks in not seconds later, and she quirks an eyebrow at Dave, but you manage to catch her attention just in time. You shake your head vigorously as Dave turns to Rose, and you think she understands your meaning when she smiles. At least, you hope she does. It's hard to tell when you can't understand what she's saying.

It's interesting, actually, to hear how different they sound. When you focus more on their voices than the sounds they're making, it's easier to pick out the differences. Dave's smooth, punctuated, not-quite monotone. Rose's lilting speech, clear and flowing.

You wonder what they would sound like in your head if they could talk like you. Dave would be red, you think. Rose would be purple - light, not dark, but not pink, either. Something about Jade reminds you of the color green. A really _bright_ green, that sparks. Maybe you're just thinking that because of their eyes, though.

You're distracted from your thoughts by the sound of Jade and Karkat's voices outside of the room, drawing closer quickly.

Karkat is flipping Jade off when he walks in, rolling his eyes. It's still so weird to see him like this. Human, you mean. Hell, you didn't even know something like this was _possible_ ; you thought only the royal bloodline was able to do this, and even then those had been only rumours that everybody heard of but no one ever really believed.

It's kind of exciting, actually.

Jade snaps something at Dave where he sits on the chair. He groans something in response, and Rose gives him one of those "I'm Disappointed In You" looks. _And_ crosses her arms.

Karkat says something, but the other three seem to ignore it, until Dave lets out a long sigh. He stands up, and motions for Karkat to take a seat with a wide gesture of his arms.

Karkat's lips thin into an expression that you know all too well. This is his "I'm Going To Do What I Want And What I Want Is The Exact Opposite Of What You Want" paired with a side serving of his "Fuck You" face. If you're reading things right, then you're going to guess that he's not going to sit down for some stupid reason, even though he obviously really, really wants to.

Because, Karkat? He looks _terrible_. The bruises from the fight have finally shown up, staining purple under the skin of his chest, his face, his arms, and his cuts are starkly pink in contrast to his darker skin. His shoulders have been in a perpetual slump since you woke up; he looks _exhausted_ , tired down to his bones. You're pretty sure he looks worse than you do, and considering everything that's happened in the last day, _that's saying something._

Yeah. Karkat needs to stop being such an ass and sit down yesterday.

"Karkat," you say out loud, and he breaks from his staring contest with Dave to look at you. You point to the chair. _"Sit."_

Karkat glares at you for a moment, not moving. You try for raising an eyebrow. Just one. You must get it right, because before long, Karkat is grumbling, rolling his eyes as he limps toward the chair. You smile at him. Ah, sweet, sweet success.

Oh. That reminds you!

"Dave," you say, and when he turns around, you point up to your face. He gets it after a moment, bringing a hand up to palm at his shades, and the look of understanding and slowly-spreading embarrassment on his face is _glorious._

He quickly flips them rightside up - because he seriously didn't notice that they were upside down the entire time, what a dork - and then says a few words you can't understand before he leaves the room almost too quickly for you to see.

Jade laughs and says something loudly, following after him. Karkat and Rose begin to talk to each other, and you can't help but feel a little frustrated. You feel so out of the loop on everything. You don't like it.

you still can't hear me, huh? Karkat doesn't even twitch in your direction. Hmm...

karkat is a stinky butt. Nope. even though you look kinda gross i'd still tap that. Nothing. bluuuuuuuuh. this isn't as fun when no one else gets the joke.

You just watch him for a few moments, not knowing what else to do.

i wonder what happened to your friend.

You don’t know if he got away or what; you were unconscious at the end of the fight. Karkat had been happy to see him, from what you could feel, along with a whole flurry of tangled emotions.

Sollux was his name, wasn’t it?

...i hope he's ok.

Something in Rose’s voice changes, and when you bring your attention back to her, she’s nodding at Karkat and then at you. You nod back, not really understanding until she begins to walk out of the room. Oh, okay, so she was saying goodbye.

Karkat visibly relaxes once she’s gone, now that it’s only him and you in the room. He rubs at the muscles of a shoulder - the uninjured one, you note, jeeze, he’s really beat up - and frowns at you. It’s not an “I’m Angry At You John Egbert You Fucking Numbskull” frown or an “I’m Being Stupid And Blaming Myself For Things” frown. It’s a thinking frown.

He says something. You don’t know what. All you know is that he sounds tired and honestly kind of lost. You do catch your name at whatever it is he said, though. You smile at him.

Come on, Karkat. You know he wants to. You can see it, even with how hard he’s trying to hide it. Buried underneath all of that sass and douchebaggery you know in his heart of hearts he really, really wants to do it.

He fights it for just a second more before he finally gives in. It’s small, and you can tell it hurts the cuts on his face for him to do so, but at that moment you wouldn’t trade his smile for anything in the world.

You live for the moments you can get Karkat Vantas to smile and damn him if he doesn’t know it. Smug bastard.

He pulls the chair forward to sit closer to you, mumbling something under his breath as he does so. When he finally settles down he points to the round disc still in your hands, saying something that you know has to be sarcastic as he raises one eyebrow.

you keep it then.

He takes the disc from you with a snort, and then points to it and says something else, putting emphasis on the last word. He says it a few more times, until you get it. 

“Plaaaate?”

“Yes, plate,” he says. You nod, trying to commit the word to memory. Plate, okay, you can remember that. Look at you, being flexible. You’ll have the entire language memorized in no time!

Karkat breathes out a sigh through his nose, falling silent, and he gets that look on his face again. The one where he’s blaming himself for stuff, and he’s about to apologize. He doesn’t say anything though. You’re glad, because it means you don’t have to go through the process of making sure he doesn’t blame himself for shit he didn’t actually do. You don’t _mind_ ; it’s just so much harder when you can’t actually. You know. _Talk_ to him.

You hold a hand out, and after a moment he puts his in yours. You turn it over to trace the lines of his palm with a finger, contemplating it thoughtfully. You turn it back over and move your hand up to where his arm spines usually are. You noticed they were gone earlier, but it’s still so weird. You glance at Karkat’s face as you pass over the shiny lines of skin. He’s very carefully not looking at you.

You know, now that you think about it...

What else has changed that you can’t see?

Ohoho.

When Karkat glances back at you, his eyes narrow at the grin on your face.

You waggle your eyebrows.

“What,” he says, and you laugh. Maybe you’ll find out another time. For now, you just gesture for him to come closer, and when he does, you pull him down into a kiss.

He rests his forehead against yours for a moment, before pulling back again.

Both of you still don’t let go of the other’s hand.

///

By the time the next week rolls around, you are entirely done being stuck in that house, and you’d bet your fins that John is, too, if you, well. Still had your fins. But that’s beside the point.

Whatever the case is with fins and your lacking of them, you are going fucking stir-crazy. 

So, you don’t feel as bad as you should when you abandon John for the great outdoors. You promise to bring him back some shells, which you know doesn’t exactly make up for the fact that Jade hasn’t approved him to going back in the water yet, but it’s all you can do. You’re pretty sure that Jade wouldn’t let _you_ go go home if you still had your tail, either, and she’s just letting you now because, unlike John, you leaving doesn’t involve the threat of predators.

It does bring important shit to mind, though, shit you’d almost rather not think about as you walk up and down the beach, not quite letting the waves touch your feet. What are you going to do once John _is_ approved to go back? Will you stay with Dave and Rose and Jade? How do you know that, even when John is better, the mers from before won’t be waiting for him down there where you won’t be able to help him? And you know you can’t keep John up here with you for however long it’ll take for you to figure out how to get back, but you’d still _miss_ him, dammit.

You shake your head to clear it. You don’t need to think about this right now. Thinking about this right now will only give you a headache. 

You are here to find some shells for John. And you will find the _shit_ out of them.

So invested are you in your search for them that by the time you think to look up and assess your surroundings, you can’t see the pier you started out by.

Shit.

Alright. Okay, you can fix this. You just have to backtrack a little, right? Look, you can already see it again. Not even a problem. When you finally get to it, you stop and contemplate the numerous shells in your hand.

It’s probably time for you to head back inside, anyway. How long has it been? Long enough for John to start getting antsy, probably. You turn around to do exactly that, when someone behind you talks.

“So the rumours really are true.”

You turn around, and--

You drop the shells.

_No fucking way._

“Sollux?” you breathe, and he grins from underneath the pier. 

“The one and only.”

“You’re _alive_ ,” you say accusingly, and duck underneath the pier to join him. He’s a little further out, deep enough that his tail is covered. You settle for sitting on the sand. “What the fuck were you trying to pull back there?!”

“Saving you and your boyfriend’s sorry asses.” He flicks water you. “Your _human_ ass, apparently.”

You just look at him for a moment, and he looks back. Over a week later, he still looks completely and totally spent. Even under the shade of the dock you can see the dark, ugly bruises around the skin of his eyes, and you wince. You’d recognize a psionic burn-out anywhere. Nasty son of a bitch to deal with. 

So, Sollux already knew about this particular deal involving you and your fucked up genes. Okay. Honestly, you kind of expected it, seeing as how he was involved with the whole thing where you were driven out in the first place. You’re just glad you can talk to him again.

Wait.

“Wait,” you say, and then “hold the fuck up.” You narrow your eyes at him. “How do _you_ know English?”

“And finally the idiot realizes the obvious,” Sollux says. He smirks at you as you scoff. “I learned from the best.”

“From _who_ ,” you say. “Learning Spoken can get you _culled_. You can’t tell me you’ve actually found someone willing to teach you.” 

“Oh, but I did,” he says, grinning. “And you’re not gonna believe who.”

You wait for him to explain. He doesn’t. “Who?”

“I just said you’re not going to believe me, do you really think I’m going to tell you?”

“Dammit, Sollux, just tell me already!”

“No,” he says, and continues on before you can yell at him again. “But I’ll show you.”

You consider him for a second. He smirks at you like he’s offered you a challenge.

God, you missed this asshole.

“Give me ten minutes,” you say, and his smirk widens. “Ten minutes and you can introduce me to this teacher of yours.”

“Deal,” he says. 

“I’ll try not to keep you waiting for _too_ long,” you scowl as you stand, and step out from under the pier.

Now. How to let John know what you’re going to do without giving him the wrong idea.

///

Ten minutes later and you’re walking back down to the pier. It hadn’t been too hard to give John the general idea. You were going to be gone for you don’t know how long, and Sollux was okay. Again he’d been disappointed by the fact that he was stuck inside while you were out soaking in the fresh air and _freedom_ , but the shells had made him happy, at least.

“About time,” Sollux says, and you scoff.

“Just take me already.”

“She’s on the other side of the island,” he says, ignoring your raised eyebrow at his use of _she_ , “and you’ll have to take the long way around with me, since where we’re meeting is hidden.”

“What are you waiting for, then?” you say, and he rolls his eyes and pushes off.

It takes an hour or so, in total. You lose track of him here and there, when he has to go deeper to avoid being seen by humans, but in the end you get there. And he was right, it really was the long way around. It probably would’ve taken you only around a half-hour cutting through the middle of the island, but you doubt you would’ve been able to find this place on your own. 

It’s a small cove, the entrance tiny and rocky enough to barely be noticeable. Sollux dives down as you clamber over, where the rocks probably open up at the bottom and it’s easier for him to get through. 

The water isn’t shallow enough for you to be able to stand immediately, and you’ve just resigned to getting your clothes completely drenched, when you notice her.

She’s sitting on the sand, obviously waiting for someone, a wild tangle of dark hair cascading over her bare shoulders. But what really catches your attention first, is her tail.

It’s a deep, sparkling fuchsia.

“Oh,” she says, having noticed you by now as you sit frozen on the rock you still haven’t moved from. “Oh _ship._ ”

_Fuck,_ you think, _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_ repeated over and over. You are _screwed._

“Uh, hello! Sir!” she says, high and bubbly. “Would you believe me if I said this tail was fake?” 

Okay, okay you can work with this. You can still get out of this alive. “Yes!” you say, probably a bit more enthusiastic than is expected but you couldn’t give any less fucks. The Heiress blinks. “Wow, you must have paid _so_ much money to get one so realistic. Wow! I’ll just be leaving now, nice talking to you!”

As you swing your legs around to leave, you hear Sollux resurfacing behind you. 

“Nope,” he says, and he grabs the back of your shirt and yanks.

The water is so much colder than you remember it.

You’re also pretty sure you’re not coming out of this alive. Sorry, John.

“Fuck!” You come up spluttering. Sollux is snickering in the water next to you, and you immediately turn to him once you remember how to swim with human legs again. You ignore the Heiress still laying on the beach, trying to forget the fact that you’re easy pickings now that you’re in the water. You do this by shouting at the top of your lungs.

“What the fuck! No, seriously, explain to me exactly _why_ you decided this would be a good idea, using small words so that I can understand what must have been going on in your head to make you think, “Hey, let’s get Karkat killed today!” Do you really want me dead _that_ much?! Was I misreading something in your fucking _body language_ when you decided to risk your fucking _life_ only for me to be culled later when the _godshitting fucking Heiress_ realized what I-- no, you are _not_ laughing right now, absolutely not!”

Sollux is laughing his fucking ass off.

“Oh!” The Heiress says. “So _you’re_ Karcrab! Shoallux told me all about you!” She smiles at you then, and pats the patch of sand next to her. “Come join me!”

You send a glare over to Sollux, who’s still snickering to himself, and then look back to the Heiress, who’s smiling at you with a mouth full of shark teeth.

Well. Might as well.

You swim over and sit next to her, while she smiles the whole time. You get right down to it.

“So when are you going to cull me,” you say.

Her smile widens, somehow. “I’m not!” she says cheerfully. And then she sobers up so fast you almost get whiplash, her smile turned into a serious little frown. “Karkat Vantas,” she says, “I’m going to offer you a deal. You’ve heard how I can turn at will, right?” Of course you have. _Everyone_ has. The few lucky enough to be born into the royal line can turn between mer and human as they please. Something you’re a pathetic fucking mockery of. She must know how much of a rhetorical question that is, because she continues on before you can answer. “I’ll teach you how to turn at will like I can, and in return, you stay out of the Empress’s hair until I can usurp her!” She claps her hands together. “Sound fair?”

Yeah, your mouth is hanging open right now, and you really couldn’t care less.

“Uh?” You say eloquently, and the Heiress sighs.

“You’re _special_ , Karcrab,” she says, “pike, reely. Relations between our race and the humans are so clammy, and I want to change that. You’re the uniting factor! If you can stay alive until I’m strong enough to overpower my mom, with your help, I could make things so much better.” She perks up a little bit. “Teaching you how to turn when you want is beno-fish-shoal for me, too! This way you can be where I need you to be without having to worry about things like tails or legs or whatever.”

You stare at her for a minute. “You want me to do _what_ , exactly.”

She shrugs. “Just live, reely! The fact that you exist at all is proof that we all reely can get along. Either way,” she says, smiling at you again, “even if you say no, I’m not going to cull you. That’d just be mean.”

“So let me get this straight,” you begin slowly. “You want to teach me how to change whenever I want, and in return, all you want is, what. Me to stay alive?”

She hums. “Pretty much!”

Wow.

“How did you two even meet?” you ask, fully aware that you’re stalling. Sollux is the one to answer.

“We ran into each other while we were out swimming,” he says. “We’ve been meeting at the islands around here for years.”

Years. The islands, around here, for years.

You moved here with John, to the most most remote place you could possibly find so that you would be out of danger, and you ended up being right under the Heiress’s nose the _entire fucking time._

You look at Sollux, who’s giving you the smuggest look in existence. You look back at the Heiress, who’s waiting politely for your answer.

You think about John, and the fact that if you can get this to work, all of the problems that have been hanging over your head will virtually disappear.

“I'll do it,” you say, and hold out a hand.

“Excellent!” She says, and takes your hand in hers. Her grip is strong enough to hurt as she shakes it. “I’m Feferi!”

John is never going to believe this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gue22 who'2 back (back back) back agaiin ('gaiin 'gaiin)
> 
> B)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been waiting for this chapter for eons.

“Just concentrate!” Feferi says, and a muscle in your cheek spasms.

“I’m trying,” you grit out. You heave a sigh, and open your eyes. Feferi is sitting in front of you, already done shifting back to her tail. “This isn’t going to work.”

“Yes it is, you’re just not trying hard enough!” She huffs, and you rub at your eyes before looking over to where John is sitting in the water.

It’s been two weeks since you first met Feferi, and every day you’ve come down here to meet her. Jade deemed John fit to come with you just a couple days ago, as long as he didn’t go too far out by himself, and he’s been enjoying the relative freedom immensely. He’s _also_ been enjoying talking to Sollux, which frankly scares you a little bit. You have no idea what they can be talking about, and honestly, you don’t think you _want_ to know.

He’s happy, though. That’s all that really matters.

“I’m trying plenty fucking hard enough,” you snap back, before forcing yourself to take a deep breath. Both of you are frustrated. After two weeks, nothing you’ve tried has worked. Meditating, concentrating, fucking gritting your teeth and going _I believe!_ in your head until you give yourself a headache. You wonder how easy Feferi thought this was going to be. It’s not like you’re exactly the same. It’s more _natural_ for her, without so much pain, meanwhile you can only do it because of the way your genetics are fucked up where they mash together. She can even still talk to John and Sollux while she’s human, while you obviously can’t.

There’s only one thing left to try that you can think of. You’d rather not, but.

Fuck it.

“Feferi,” you start, “do you trust me?”

She tilts her head slightly. “Of course I do.”

“Okay.” You take another breath. There’s a high probability you’re going to regret what you’re about to ask. “Drown me.”

“ _What,_ ” she says, “no!”

John and Sollux are looking over now, and, shit. John is not going to like this.

“It’s the only way!” You can’t believe you’re actually trying to convince someone to drown you right now. “Nothing else is going to work, okay? I’ve never been able to change in anything other than a life-or-death situation before, or at least something really fucking like it.”

“But then that would only be a temporary solution,” she argues, and, crap, she has a point there. “I’m looking for a permanent one! If you can’t switch back and forth whenever you want then it might as well be useless!”

“Look, if I can at least get a feel for how I turn, then that’ll get me one step closer to figuring out how to do it on my own.” It’s a flimsy defense, but it’s enough to give her pause.

She chews on her lip for a moment. “Do you really think this could work?”

“Yes.”

“If it goes too far, you’re going right back up, you hear me?” 

“Good. It’s not like I’m asking you to _kill_ me.”

You swim out to the deepest part of the cove, trying to ignore the way Sollux and John are looking at you. Feferi meets you there.

She pulls you under without a warning, which you guess is just as well.

Shit, saltwater stings your eyes now, fuck. You close them, focusing in on yourself as Feferi’s hands on your arms hold you firmly in place. You can feel the currents under the water, both natural and from Feferi’s tail as she keeps the both of you in place.

There’s a growing discomfort in your lungs as the seconds pass.

Okay. Concentrate. You can do this, you know you can. You let what little air is left in your lungs escape even as your want for air grows. Nothing. Nothing, you can’t feel it, _shit_. You’re just really starting to get desperate, when--

_there._

It’s faint, but it’s familiar, and you latch onto it, trying to keep that feeling from slipping between your metaphorical fingers. It’s raw and barely growing in strength by the second, you know you can do this, you can _finish this, you almost-- have it--_

You’re heaving in breath after breath before you’re even aware that you’ve been thrust above the water.

Feferi is looking at you with worried eyes when you finally open yours, and John is next to her looking at you with a mixture of both anger and fear and, wow, you feel like a dick. Also tired, wow. You’re pretty sure Feferi’s grip is the only thing keeping you from slipping back under the water.

Sollux is the one who speaks first.

“So I’m guessing it didn’t work?”

“No,” you say, and then cough. Your ribs haven’t been hurting you lately, but it’s painful to breathe now all the same. Whatever. “I almost had it. Let’s do it again.”

“No!” John and Feferi say it at the same time. You wave an arm, even though you can’t find the energy to lift it more than half-way out of the water. Eh. It’s the thought that counts.

“Another time then.”

John growls deep enough to send vibrations through the water, but neither of them actually protest. They both know how important this is.

And now there’s a chance that it’ll actually _work._

///

The sun sets slowly, turning the sky purple and orange and red. It’s quiet out, aside from the conversations of a few passing people here and there.

You’re still a little tired from earlier. Who knew almost drowning could be so taxing? It had been worth it, though, to be so close to changing again. Just a few more times and you’ll have it, you _know_ it.

John is back at the house already, watching some movie with Dave, even though he can barely understand half of the words being said. You left before they could really get into it. Even if Dave kind of rubs you the wrong way, you’re glad that John likes him. Glad enough that you decided to let them have their time together instead of butting in like the world’s most foul-mouthed third wheel.

You’re at the pier where you first saw Jade and Rose and Dave, funnily enough, leaning against the wooden railing that’s supposed to keep clumsy idiots from falling over the side. Even if you’d rather be in them than up here, the sound of the waves is calming. Nice.

Someone tugs on your sleeve.

It’s a kid, looking up at you solemnly, his hair poofed up every which way from the wind. He’s wearing a red sweater big enough to hide his hands.

“Are you thinking about jumping over?” The kid crosses his arms. “You can’t do that, you know. It’s against the rules.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.” It’s the way he looks so _serious_ is the thing. You’re allowed to humour him just for that.

The kid nods vigorously. “It’s true! Mom said that it’s against the rules. She also said that swimming is dangerous, which is why you shouldn’t jump over even if it _wasn’t_ against the rules.” 

“Your mom?” You glance around, but can’t find a sign of any mom-looking person anywhere. 

The kid points down to the building just off the docks. “She’s in there checking us into the Hindenburg. Did you know that that’s the name of this airship that caught on fire a long time ago? I learned about it in school.” He doesn’t wait for you to answer, continuing on, which is probably for the best since you actually didn’t know that. Human history. “Mom says we’re here for _business_ things.”

“Sounds boring,” you say, and the kid shakes his head.

“She writes books,” he says. “They’re very good.”

“I’m sure they are,” you say, and you hear footsteps behind you.

“Kankri? Kankri, where-- there you are! I’m so sorry, I hope he wasn’t bothering you.”

“No, it’s fine, he--”

You turn around, and the woman drops the bag in her hand.

Her hair is thick and wild, falling down her back in curls. Her skin is dark, you notice, and she looks at you like you’re a ghost, eyes wide, breathing fast.

Her eyes are a shade of green that you could swear you’ve seen before.

Nostalgia hits you like a tidal wave.

“Kankri,” she says shakily, not looking away from your face, “go make sure they brought all our bags to our room, okay honey?”

Kankri leaves without a fuss, and something about that name makes your stomach turn-- _Kankri, Kankri, where have you heard that name before?_

Even once he’s left, it takes a second for her to say anything. She’s still looking at you, as if the second she looks away you’ll disappear.

“Karkat,” she breathes, and her voice breaks in the middle.

The word comes to you like a reflex. You don’t know how you know, or why you really say it, but still the word leaves your lips as barely more than a whisper.

“Mom?”

She smiles, and begins to cry.

“He said-- he said you were dead, I thought--” She breaks off, and takes a shuddering breath. “You’re alive,” she says, and a small laugh bubbles up from her chest. “You’re alive.”

You just look at each other for a moment. You’re struggling with yourself, trying to dig up memories you can’t quite reach, but you can _taste_ it, you can _feel_ the memory of her, and it’s the weirdest fucking thing. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to _do_. Neither, you think, does she.

She steps forward a little, unsure. “Can I... Would it be okay if I...?”

You step forward to meet her, and she hugs you hard enough to squeeze the air from your lungs.

“You’re so grown up,” she whispers, her voice choked. “My baby boy. You look just like-- just like your father. I thought I lost you. God, I missed you so much.”

You don’t say anything back. You’re not sure what you even _could_ say. You just let her hold on to you for what feels like forever and somehow no time at all. Because you _remember_ this. Remember being held, being safe. When she finally pulls away, you almost wish she hadn’t.

She brings a hand up to your cheek, looking into your eyes for a long time, saying nothing. This time when she pulls away, she hesitates a moment before she reaches back down into her bag and pulls out a card and a pen.

“I know you don’t really...know me,” she says as she writes, “but I’ll be here for a couple of weeks. It would be nice to talk and. Get to know you.” She finishes writing and hands you the card. On it are the words “Dessie Leijon” in curving script, with a few numbers below it. There’s another number written in the same handwriting on the back of the card, when you flip it over. She gives you a small, hopeful smile when you look back at her. “So call me, maybe?”

“...Yeah,” you say, and her smile widens. “Yeah, I will.”

You get back to the house in a daze, still unable to look away from the card in your hands. John and Dave have already long finished the movie.

John, Jade, Dave, and Rose all look up with similar expressions of curiosity as you stop in front of where they’re all gathered in the living room.

“I think,” you say slowly, “I just met my mom.”

Dave spits out his drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

**Author's Note:**

> let the insanity commence


End file.
